By: Kevin Alexander
Prologue
I am the calmness as well as the chaos. I am both the quiet man and the loud speaker. I am the liar and the truth teller, the dancer and the audience. I am the enlightened and the ignorant, the bright and the dim, the light and the darkness, the cause and the effect, the disease and the cure, the pain and the release. Within each and every of my actions there lives the abuser and abused.
It does not matter where we live, small or big, rural or downtown. One can never truly escape their self. We might try to distract ourselves, blame others or circumstances for all our misfortune. We have fingers to point and we point them at all who cross our path. It is safe and easy to attach blame onto others. It is easy for us to give away our power.
What if we took responsibility for our own lives? What could we all create together if we stopped blaming others and separating ourselves from our own truths? What if the greatest power in us is to stop looking outward for answers and start looking in? Do we even know how to do that?
I invite you to introduce yourself to yourself. Find the truth you have hidden within. Find the layers of misconception, blame, anger and separation and get rid of them. Build a foundation of self-honesty. Do what is best for yourself. Tend to your needs. Listen to your lies, to your song, to your anger. Love your pains. Love your ugly side. Love your failures. Love yourself.
For it is in the fruits of our own souls that the keys to the universes secrets and mysteries are hidden. All we have to do is look and we will see.
Chapter 1 – Introduction to Self
The gentle southern wind was dusting the lush fields with floating dandelion seeds. This was Sam’s favorite time of year. Late summer, no bugs, long hot days, cool nights. The stars would dance at night and Sam would join them, spinning until he was too dizzy to go on. He would lie on the ground in the field of long dried grass, starring at the universe not in wonder but in appreciation.
Sam loved being alive. He loved being present in this point in time. The smell of the air, the feeling of the soft wind on his face, the chill of the ground under him, it all made his heartbeat strong, his eyes wide open, and his spirit free.
There are people who glide through their life unnoticed. They seem to be always on the fringe. No ones soul mate, no ones best friend. They are just there. Sam was one of these people. He was not alone, at least he did not feel alone, he was just himself.
When Sam was a young boy he spent a great deal of time looking out the window of his classrooms. Teachers thought there was something wrong with Sam. His parents where often told he had attention problems, learning disabilities and maybe an intellectual disability. Sam was tested regularly and by many old men posing as doctors and eager young women playing teacher in his schooling.
“Sam’s a bright boy, not very focused, easily distracted,” they would tell his parents.
Sam loved the world from the first day he was born. He actually had a vivid recollection of his birth. He had spent a month in an ashram in Nepal a few years ago in a silent meditation retreat. No talking for 40 days. Somewhere in that time Sam had a vision of his birth.
The first thing he remembered was the bright lights in his eyes. Then it was the cold hands of the doctor or nurse, he could not tell who grabbed him first. Sam had to release the trauma of the cold bright entry to this world. There were noises and they kept moving him around. People where passing him around and poking him and putting stuff on him. Then they passed him to his mother.
Sam remembered the first time he met his mother. She was beautiful, soft and smelled so good. Sam had a great mother, a stressed out mess of a mother, but a great one. She gave all she had, even if she was a little lacking in extra fuel to get her through everyday. Sam’s mother was always giving it all. She was soft, very observant, over worked and under supported.
She had crafted a safe life for Sam, filled with the wonders and experiences of the world. Sam was a happy boy for the most part. He wished to be held, touched and
physically loved more, but he was fed, warm, stimulated, and cared for. He grew up stable and strong. Sam thought often of his up bringing. He had done many healing weekends workshops and courses where he learned to appreciate his childhood in all its imperfections.
Lying on the grassy field, pondering the brilliance of the universe, Sam was once again thinking of his youth. How had he been so lucky? There were no wars or guns, no hunger or disease. There was a peace in his world that few humans had never experienced. He grew up in a peaceful, prosperous time.
Sam thought often of how lucky he was. He was a calm person on the inside, cool as ice people would say. He thanked his mother for that.
The wind shifted, picked up a bit and blew Sam’s hair into his face. Sam was staring at the stars, lost in meditation. He thought he could hear a voice in his head calling him to go within. So Sam looked deep in the recesses of his heart. Using all the training he had accumulated over the years from spending time with many Yogis, Shamans and Gurus.
Listening to the deep callings of his own heart, Sam heard the nagging call of some sort of inner duty. Alone on the hillside, alone in this experience he knew had to share something with others. It was as if the universe was staring at him through the eyes of the stars and calling him to share his inner peace, the inner peace Sam always had.
Sam could feel himself falling into a deep relaxation, a meditation. He felt as if he was drifting over the wind, over the entire planet. He fell into a dreamlike state of bliss and happiness.
He realized the universe was now initiating him somehow. He was sure he was being called to do something with his inner peace, share it or help others? He needed more information. Sam had been starring at the stars for years but never heard or felt anything like this before. It was as if a veil had been lifted. He could feel it as true as he felt hunger or the wind on his face. Sam knew he had to share his inner peace with others, but how?
Sam had felt called to do things before. He had been called to take certain courses, called to visit family members at specific times, called to be quiet or to speak up. He had always tried to honour his inner callings, and often found that when he did he was pleasantly rewarded.
Sam had once woken up in the middle of the night, having had a dream about his brother’s house needing to be cleared out. It was very vivid and Sam knew he had to call his brother. Sam called, awoke his brother in the middle of the night. It turned out there was a fire next door. Sam’s brother called the fire department. The neighbor’s house was lost but Sam’s call saved his brothers neighbor’s lives.
He knew what it was like to have a calling. Usually they were very specific, one time things. He just never had a calling so big, so scary before, certainly never anything so vast, so undetermined.
Share his inner peace with others? Why him? Why now? How?
Sometimes people forget what they do not want to believe. The term is called a “black swan” event. This is when someone has ample evidence towards something unbelievable and chooses not to believe it. It would be as if someone saw a ghost, clearly saw a ghost, heard it, felt it, then the next day shook it off as, “must have been my imagination.”
Sam chose not to ignore this evening’s events. He rarely stepped down from a challenge. He knew that believing in spirits, fairies, ghosts, goddess’, gods, whatever, was questionable but he still believed in them. The entire universe was his teacher, no matter what form it came to him in.
Sam knew he needed consultation about his calling. He decided to open to a meditative practice he had learned from a local elder many years before. This was a meditation where he could talk to his subconscious and inner self. He closed his eyes and allowed his mind to rest as he was taught.
In the silence of his mind, he could feel his imagination spark and light an inner world alive. In the midst of the darkness of his mind he started to imagine a large oak tree surrounded by lush gardens, green forests, running water and a giant waterfall. Sam was entering his sacred inner world. The place where he felt safe, where he could communicate with himself, where his spirit guides lived.
When the darkness faded he imagined a warm sun shinning over the magical land. Sam sat at the base of the large oak tree waiting for his spirit guides and helpers to join him around his sacred fire. This was where he consulted with the various teachers, spirit guides and animal guides he had met along his life’s journey.
One by one they all came out of their hiding places. Some from bellow, some from above and some from all around him. There were human looking forms, animal forms, ghost like whiffs, children, elders, and unexplainable forces. They all took their proper seats around the sacred fire and looked deeply into Sams eyes with deep love. Sam loved his sacred circle. It gave him strength.
Sam spoke softly but clearly:
“I have heard a calling from the star people. I feel I am being called to share my peace within with the world around me.” Sam could feel his physical body get goose bumps. He continued, “It is time to shift from learning to sharing, from looking outside for answers to trusting the inside. It is time for us to start to give and to share”
The circle of animals and spirits was silent but most showed big smiles. This was a very big shift from Sam’s normal way of being. Most of Sam’s life had been about finding peace, about collecting tools to find peace and about practicing those tools. Now he was looking to shift to sharing, teaching and learning how to share and teach these tools.
Sam’s eldest spirit helper was the first to speak
“Are you sure young man?” The dark cloaked man rumbled
“Yes, how do we know it is not just your imagination?” Said a little fat man.
“You are my imagination are you not” Said Sam as looked perplexed. “Wouldn’t you be able to tell me if it was not a true calling? Besides who cares where it comes from? It is a noble calling, is it not?”
“I am excited, really it is about time. We need to share what we have seen, we need to give back” This came from the soft voice of the owl.
“I agree owl, but who am I to share these things. I am not of traditional descent, I am not a guru, I hold no degree, no official title or training.”
The dark cloaked man spoke up with force, “ Stop it right now young man! No more self-deprecation. If you are to share this brilliant gift you call inner peace with others then that is what you must do. You will find a way. Those who need titles and degrees are not ready for what you have to share. What you have is universal and needs to be available to everyone regardless of lineage, color or education”
This was the most the old man had ever said to Sam. He knew the value in this voice. He listened to the words. Sam felt his focus loosening. He knew his inner journey was coming to an end. He knew he had gotten all he needed from this meditation.
The rustling of some leaves behind him startled Sam. He awoke from his journey to find himself in the dark and getting rather cold. He had collected everything he could from this evening. Now it was time to sleep, to recharge and prepare for his next day, whatever that might bring.
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Chapter 2 – Taking Responsibility
Morning came too fast. Sam was stuck to his bed. He had spent most of that night rolling in his dreams. He was sure he had heard a clear message from the universe to share his inner peace the night before but what was it that he knew that would be worth sharing?
Sam had read many books, on many spiritual subjects. He had taken many classes from many teachers in many healing modalities. He had traveled and spent time with some modern Gurus. He quickly learned that his heart was not one to follow the path of a Guru or a teacher.
Sam enjoyed the peace he had found in meditation. He was very comfortable with it. He loved the self-communication of shamanic journeying. He dragged himself to his yoga mat everyday. Sam had taken various pieces from the many books and numerous teachers and had constructed his own brand of healing. It worked for him but he never pushed his ideas on to others.
“They can find their own way” Sam thought. Sam never did anything special, he was not rich nor did he come from a spiritual family or upbringing. He merely completed some minor research to answer the questions he had about his body, the universe and his soul. Sam loved the simple convenience of his life. He never saw himself as a teacher.
Sam entered the shower hoping the hot water would wake his sorry ass up. He was really tired that morning. He had a meeting that morning that would require him to be a little more alert. He made himself a strong cup of coffee and headed out the door with a banana in hand.
The drive to work was nice. Sam lived in the middle of nowhere. His drive to his office was through the mountains, over the forested pass, past the fields of mustard flowers and onto the highway for just two exits, never any traffic. His office looked out over a cranberry farm. He loved to watch the floods come and push the little red berries to the top.
Sam spent most of the morning wrapped up in meetings with wholesalers, buyers, advertisers and salespeople. Everyone wanted a little drop of perfume. Sam imported and sold essential oils, the highest quality the world has to offer.
Sam was highly regarded in his field, which made him laugh, as Sam knew he did not do very much. People liked his energy, his calmness, his humor. Most of the time Sam was nothing more then a high-powered friend, aurateur, psychiatrist or entertainer. Whatever it was that he did it did not matter. Clients kept paying him for his time. All he did was show up and make sure his clothes were clean. Sam built this business out of nothing and now with 20 hours a week it sustained him and his 3 employees.
Sam had three rules he followed which allowed him to do find success in this micro-industry. These rules where simple.
One, he would never be bigger then small. Big enough to buy good quantities, small enough to not need more then the best sources could provide.
Two, he traveled the world making face-to-face contacts with the small farmers who produces the best oils. Trusting those who he had met.
Three, he had a extremely unique nose that could smell details and layers in things that most of the population had no idea existed. These three rules kept him comfortable for many years.
He got through most of his day without thinking about the previous night. No desires to share with others. Sam loved his simple life. He was calm, had some money in the bank, and had a good house with a nice piece of property. He had ample time to explore, hike and be in nature. He loved his library, his bed and his computer. He took courses when he felt he needed them, most frequently in spiritual matters such as bodywork, shamanism and meditation. He traveled frequently for work and pleasure.
Work flew by. Sam had secured a few deals, paid a few bills and had a cup of coffee with his staff. He packed up and hit the road, as it was 1:30 in the afternoon, past his normal quitting time. Sam got home, changed to a lighter, more comfortable outfit, and headed out the door for a little walk along the waterside.
Upon returning home, tired and a little hungry, he decided he would head into town for a meal at Jake’s Diner, maybe splurge on a slice of pie, as Jake made the best pies. Sam went to Jake’s at least once a week, he knew a few people there he would almost call friends.
Jake’s Diner was nothing more than an old home at the side of the highway. It had been retrofitted to support a small diner. Jake was the only employee, he cooked (if you could call it cooking) and served. There were never more then 4 or 5 people in the dinner. It was just busy enough for Jake’s liking.
“Hey Sam, nice to see you, how’s da single life? Meet any ladies?” Jake had a unique accent most locals attributed to his life of traveling the world.
Jake always asked the same thing. Sam had given up on relationships and dating years before but was not quite ready to tell Jake. It was too complicated to date. He figured when the right person comes along he would know.
“Slow Jake, but still working on it. No need to search out love. Let it come to me”
“Well as long as ya’ll are doing something with it. Your pecker ‘ill fall off if ya don’t use him.”
“Thanks for the tip Jake.’ Jake was an endlessly old man. He must have always been old. ‘What’s the special tonight?”
“Let’s see. I gots me some pasta left from me lunch and a bunch of brussel sprouts. Oh I gots some tomato soup still hot. How’s that soundin?”
“Great, bring it all and a slice of the coconut cream pie”
“You want the pie before dinner?”
“Before Jake, always before. Why wait for something you love?”
“And here I thoughts you’re waiting for love to come to you? Maybe we should wait till the pie makes it way to your table on its own.”
Sam loved Jake’s Diner, however if it were a hole in the wall it would be a cleaner place. Jake’s had been around for forty years. Jake would cook whatever he felt and laughed at those who asked for a menu. The food was bad and cheap, but Jake had a gift, his pie. No one could understand how a man could cook so bad and yet still make the best pie. And Jake would not serve you pie till you ordered dinner. Sam had little intention of eating the food, he came for the pie.
“Hey Sam, missed you at poker last night” Sue took a seat across from Sam.
“Ya, wasn’t in the cards. I had other work to do” Sam was a little startled having not seen Sue come in the door. Sam had been thinking about the previous night for the first time all day.
“Like what, you got nothing to do out there in your hut but get into trouble”
“Nothing really, just went for a walk” Sam reached for his cup of coffee, he barely made eye contact with Sue.
“Like hell you did. I have not seen you this lost in your brain since you moved here. What’s going on in there?” Sue’s language was brash and often reminded Sam of his proper up bringing.
“Just chewing on a piece of fat the universe gave me”
“Ah, one of those nights. I see. What’s taking you away?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Like hell you’re not. You wouldn’t be so lost if you weren’t sure or struggling with certainty. Feels more like you don’t like what you got or that you want to pretend it did not happen. ”
“Ya that’s about right.” Sue had a way of understanding things as if she had seen it all. She never judged, just pushed.
“Well let me tell you what my grandma used to say, If you don’t like what the spirits tells you then you’re an idiot. Fighting your destiny is a ridiculous notion. Your single purpose in life is to follow the path the universe sets before you”
“OK preacher woman” Sam said looking up for the first time, cracking a little smile.
“Ah you little rascal. You think your charm works here? Take that banana somewhere else. I don’t get charmed by no head case like you” Sue laughed deeply. She always seemed to love a good battle of wits.
“Listen Sue, can I ask you something. I need an honest opinion”
“Sure, all I got is my honesty… and a few unpaid bills”
Sam hesitated then quietly asked, “Do you think I have something to share with this world? I mean, I know everybody does in some way, but do you think I can be a Guru or a teacher?”
“Yep”
Not really what Sam was looking for. Sue did not blink an eye. She was usually a little more cryptic, not so direct as this.
“Truth is Sam, its about time you get off your ass and do something with your life. You want to be a Guru or a Shaman or whatever you want to call it. Go for it, best medicine you might ever take, toughest medicine but also the best.”
“How the fuck am I supposed to say anything worth listening to.’ Sam said with his head down, barely loud enough for Sue to hear “I like my life, why would I go about changing it? What do I really have to offer this world?”
“HEY! Lazy ass, are we all here to serve YOU? You like sitting around while others do the work?” Sue was visibly pissed
Now Sam was very alert. He had not seen Sue upset before. He thought about what she was saying. It was true. He liked the idea of being comfortable in his life. He did not want to risk it by opening his mouth. But what if people did not like what he had to say? What if he lost everything? He did want to be lazy.
“I’m sorry. Let me start again. Everything I learned came from books and simple courses. Anyone can figure it out. They do not need me to spell it out for them.”
“You are right. They need someone brave enough to embody all those words and workshop materials. I don’t know if you got the heart for it, but you certainly have the skill. Lesser educated and experienced people than you have helped others, they just had some passion in them.”
“You think I don’t got any passion?” Sam was shocked, he felt as if he was hit in the stomach. He had passion, he thought. He loved life! That was enough wasn’t it?
“You have had a good life up to this point, but now it is time to give back. Get out of yourself and dream bigger. I know you have passion, everyone has passion. The question is not do you have something to share but do you have the courage to share what you know?”
Having shocked Sam into a pensive moment Sue got up from the table and put on her coat. As she headed out the door she looked back at Sam, smiled and said something Sam would never forget.
“Imagine a world where everyone loved their life, not just a few and not just you but everyone. What the hell are you waiting for Sam?”
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Chapter 3. Cause and Effect
When Sam got back to his house, it was getting late. The sun had set and the night was getting cool. He thought of going for a walk but instead sat on his couch and opened his MacBook. He browsed his favorite sites checking in on what everyone was doing, checked his email, no one ever emails anymore he thought. He thought about streaming a TV show or a movie but before that he wanted to do some research.
Sam stared at the screen trying to find a starting point on how to share his message. He started by searching “Guru” and found thousands of Gurus with websites and testaments. He searched “Shaman” and found a bunch more promises and details of various people with funny names. He looked for teachers, spiritual teachers and spirit guides. He came across hundreds of websites dedicated to selling their way over another way. He saw people selling the exact same promise while charging different fees.
“Heal Your Soul Here!”
“Learn the secrets of the elders, yogis, universe or whatever for the low low price of…”
“Blah Blah Blah, I will make you happy, Blah Blah Blah….
When Sam looked up from his screen to clear his eyes and stretch he noticed that he had spent 3 hours searching and was nowhere closer to understanding his calling.
All he learned was that there was a huge market online for Gurus and spiritual teachers, all of them offering the same crap. All sites seemed to claim that they could teach a person to be enlightened or something of the sort. All using soft words like, soulful, holistic, integrated, peaceful and self love, all looking professionally done, all feeling somewhat or completely fake.
Sam pondered how he could improve upon these sites and even create his own. He thought about the marketing. He could adopt a name, share his story, be the white man guru or self help person, maybe he could write a self-help book. Or he could start a workshop campaign and sell workshops. He could make a lot of money doing that.
Sam started to type out some of his ideas. He created a business plan equipped with a spiritual resume, pie charts and financial break down that he thought was quite fair.
He knew he needed investors to proceed. If he could raise $200,000 he could open a school of spiritual thought. “The International School of Spiritual Thought”. Or maybe the” School of Higher Internal Thought.”
He could feel the excitement bubbling within him. He could see what he was doing, and how to make money doing it.
“Holly Shit” He spouted out loud “ This is really going to happen. I am going to be a teacher.” Sam was tired and exuberant beyond normal.
Sam spent almost the entire night looking over his plan. He made a few changes before he fell asleep on the kitchen table remembering to save the whole thing in file marked “S.H.I.T”.
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Chapter 4 – The audience and the dancer
The rumbling of the passing dump truck startled Sam awake.
“Fuck” he yelped, having forgotten to put out the garbage for the third week in a row. He decided it was too late to run after the truck and reserved himself to live another week with the smelly garbage in his shed.
He stumbled to the bathroom to get ready for work. Sams mirror was mean that morning. His face stung with small squares from using his keyboard as a pillow, his eyes dark, his head hurt, his body ached, his stomach turned. Sam was a mess.
So he did what any person does when they own their own business. He called in sick. This would give Sam time to look over his plan, think of the next step and maybe make some phone calls and research grants and government interest free loans or something of that nature. It’s going to be easy to get this school up and running he kept telling himself.
After leaving a message at his office, he crept to his bed, his beautiful, most comfortable bed in the world, and found a simple, comfortable position and slept.
His dreams were scattered, he tossed, the sun shown through his window into his eyes heating up the room. Sam opened a window to get a breeze, but the wind was somewhere else. It wasn’t till late morning that Sam really entered the dream world.
“Where is he?”
‘Sam where is he?’
‘Sam where are you?’
It was richly dark but Sam could tell that he was in a room. It was a familiar room with dim lights in the corners. It was The Stable. A beautiful gathering space at a retreat center Sam frequented. He took courses there and loved The Stable. It was his second home.
“Sam, where did you see him last?” He could make out Allie, a friend from many courses.
“Who are we looking for?” Sam asked
“Lucky”
Lucky was Sam’s old dog that had passed a few years ago. A brave three legged Dalmatian who was the most stubborn creature ever to step foot on this planet. Lucky was always running away, well not running more limping.
Suddenly Sam’s dream blossomed into a field, an open field full of long sweet grass ready to be harvested. The smell was intoxicating. On the other side of the field, Sam could make out Lucky running into the forest. Sam followed as quickly as he could but his feet were so heavy, he could barely move.
Instantly, he was in a house, abandoned for years, run down, falling apart. There were holes in the floor. Sam could see Lucky on the other side.
Lucky spoke, “It is in the moments where we follow our heart that we rise to see the perfection of our universe. It is in the moments where we follow our heads that we belittle ourselves to think we have any control over our universe.”
Lucky jumped down one of the holes in the floor. Sam followed trying to catch his beloved dog. He could feel himself falling…
Sam awoke to the call of a raven out his window. The loud caw brought him back to this reality instantly. He was alert, perplexed and a little sweaty.
Deep breath, in. Deep slow breath out. Back and forth, slowly gaining equilibrium, Sam relaxed. Deep breath through his nose in, hold for a second. Deep breath through his nose out, hold for a second. Sam believed breathing was one of the most important skills a person can practice. If one can breathe properly or regain control of breath then one has a great deal of power. The breath is directly related to our interaction with the world around us. If we lose control of our breathing then we lose control of our thoughts, emotions and actions.
Sam calmed his soul down. Took his notebook at the side of the bed and wrote down Lucky’s words.
“Perfection of our universe” was what he remembered the most. What the hell does that mean? Sam understood the calling to be in his heart. He understood the need to be following his dream from his heart and not from his intellect. But “perfection” he was a little lost on. How could the universe be perfect? He did not believe that anything was perfect.
Sam understood within himself that everything was flawed. He was not perfect, that was how he found peace. He accepted his imperfections, his shadows, his issues. He knew he would forever be working upon himself, healing, letting go, forgiving. He was far from perfect. Sam was fine with that.
Sam now realized that he was tired. He had not slept much or well but his brain still wanted to move fast, his stomach was under worked. He knew he had to get moving. His imagination was taking up too much time and space. Sam needed regularity, schedules, organization. He was a flight risk and a heart attack waiting to happen if he did not remain calm. He had no choice in stressful situations but to remain calm. If he did not use his skills of inner peace, his panic would set in and take over.
Sam was falling into his old patterns. His panic was starting to take over. After all he had been given a message from the universe, one he took very seriously. It was his duty, his calling. Above all else, he had to figure out how to share.
Deep breath in…. Deep breath out… deep breath in… hold, deep breath out… hold.
Sam took out his drum. He had to consult with his spirit helpers.
He started a simple beat. Sped it up and closed his eyes. There was instant light, warm glowing light. He could see a large thunderbird rising above him. It swooshed through the air and landed on the ground in front of him.
“Thinking Rabbit Heart” That was Sams spirit name, he did not like it much but a Native elder gave it to him in a sacred ceremony, so Sam felt like he had to keep it.
“You are alone but sharing involves others”. The Thunderbird voice echoed. This was part of the frustration Sam had with the spirit world. He wanted details and all he got was one-liners, mostly obvious stuff that was on point just lacking in the poetic substance Sam yearned for.
The giant bird turned to fire, and flew away leaving Sam alone in a field he had imagined many years before. Sam got the message but still wanted to go and see his spirit helpers.
He found the sacred oak tree, sat and lit the fire. One by one his spirit helpers came out of their hiding spots. They sat in the circle in their proper spaces.
Sam spoke first. “I seem to be lost, I do not know how to share”
The old man spoke next “How have you tried?”
“I don’t know where to begin”
The wolf, wise and true spoke, “Your heart wants to honor but it also want to run. You cannot face a calling running away. You must face it head on.”
Shishi, the elder on Sams left softly offered, “The solution is simple. You have to start sharing. Go start sharing.”
For the first time, Sam now knew what his next step had to be. All his attempts from the previous 24 hours and his dreams were telling him he had to just go out and share. Learn on the fly.
So Sam put his drum away. He cleaned the kitchen, made his bed, showered and got dressed and headed out the door.
The sun was half way across the sky when Sam appeared to the world. The sky was a deep blue, only a few streaks of white. The birds where quiet as the mid day heat set in. It was a turtle day, move slowly with intention.
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Chapter 5 – Distract ourselves, blame others
Sam headed for town, thinking he might find someone to share with at Café In, the only coffee shop in town. It was rather quiet in there, the semi popular alt-country music kept the vibe slow. Only two people sitting in the corner engaged in a heated debate. They appeared to be lovers, in a quarrel about something one of them had not done and the other had wanted done.
Sam ordered a cup of white tea, and a lemon ginger scone. He took it over to the bench across from the couple in conversation, he could not help but overhear.
“You have no idea what it is like to work at that place. I have nothing left at the end of the day.” The young man said with quiet force.
“Well you chose to work there. Go do something else.” His counterpart responded rather calmly.
“Like what. We need the money, we have nothing and your…” he stopped quickly.
“And my what, my business is not doing well. Nice Sean thanks for the update. You think I don’t know that,” she was almost in tears, “I work twice as hard as you. I give all I got. There is absolutely nothing at the end of the day left when I am done. At least I love what I do.” Her anger was now showing.
“At least you have the chance to do what you love.”
“Take the chance Sean, take it, please”
“Then how are we going to live? Who is going to pay the bills?” Sean was yelling in a whispering voice. He looked over at Sam briefly.
It went on like this for half an hour. Sam sat in the corner listening, but not making it look like he was listening. At one point Sam pretended to work on his phone but did nothing more then flip through the apps. Sam was listening, he felt this was his opportunity to help. He waited for the right time to share. He sat in the corner, listening, waiting, taking notes in his mind.
The couple had gone silent. The spiral of the conversation had made them both dizzy. They both where looking away from each other, arms crossed.
“Excuse me?” This was Sams big break. He was going for it. Usually he never imposed himself on any one but Sam saw an opportunity to honour his calling. The couple had been silent for a few minutes, looking at the ground. They had gotten tired of going in circles.
“Can I say something?” Sam came closer to the table the young combatants had occupied.
“Sure” said Sean not looking up, looking more defeated then interested.
“What are your names?”
Now Sean looked up. “I’m Sean, this is Karen” he gestured using his chin.
“Hey, my name is Sam. I have never done this before but I would really like to help”
“Thanks Sam, not now. Maybe another time” Karen mumbled still not looking up
“ I really think I can help. If you would give me 5 minutes of your time.” Sam pushed a little.
“Lets go” Sean got up, Karen soon followed, they were out the door fast, leaving Sam all by his lonesome in the Cafe.
Sam felt a little lump in his throat. He expected that to go better. He was called by the universe to help? Why had this gone so poorly? What lesson had Sam be presented with?
Sam was not concerned over the results. He was a stubborn man, not easily swayed. He knew he had to keep sharing, but first he went back to the counter and ordered another scone, they were really good.
Sam left the coffee shop and headed to the home of his friend Andrew Waters. Andy was always home, never really left except for groceries. Andy was older, not the happiest person in the town. Sam had spent many nights playing cards with Andy. Andy was sharp with his words but he had a good heart. Sam liked Andy’s honesty.
“What you doing here? You supposed to be working” Andy was in his housecoat. He had not shaved in days. Smelled of beer and cigarettes.
“I took the day off. I’m taking time to spend with my friends”
“Like hell you are. You never visit without a reason. Why are you here?”
“To play cards.” Sam was unfazed by Andy’s reactions. Sam was used to it. He pushed through the front door to the card table. Sam started to clear the table of dishes, papers and the over flowing ash trays.
The men sat down at the table. Andy pulled out an old deck of cards that Andy had been playing with for many years. Andy knew the back of the cards by heart and could tell what was in your hand almost every time. Andy won almost every game.
“Your deal Sam. So why you here? Don’t fuck around.”
“I want to share,” Sam looked at his hand, a good hand.
“Share what?” Andy barely looked at his cards.
“Share what I know.”
“And what do you know?”
“I know about inner peace” Sam played his hand to perfection
“Hmmm, so what? Who wants that anyways?” Andy played his hand and Sams hand to perfection.
Round one goes to Andy. This time Andy dealt.
“Well I thought everyone did. You know peace, no anger, no pain, no resentment” Sam saw he had a most perfect hand this time.
“Look kid, those are all I got. My anger keeps me warm at night, my pain reminds me I’m alive. My resentment is what gives me this striking personality. Why would I ever want to get rid of those?”
“You ever want to just be in the moment? Taste the calmness, let go of the stress and be happy right here and now?” Sam played his hand well. His confidence was strong.
“Why? Aren’t we always in the moment?” Andy made a kid voice when he said “in the moment.” He was really trying to get Sam pissed. He also knew that he could win this hand. He saw how Sam was playing his hand.
“I guess we are always in the moment, but are you aware of it? Do we make things more difficult then they have to be?”
“Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. I think I got you figured out.” Andy took control of the match. “You have spent almost your entire life taking courses, reading books, meditating, alone and almost always broke in order to learn how to recognize that you are in the moment?” Andy took control, played his last few cards and showed perfect form.
“No there’s more to it than that…” Sam could not believe he was losing again.
“Now you come here and offer to teach me? How much does it cost?” The card game was done.
“Nothing Andy. I want to share.”
“Bull shit!” Andy was getting louder, “You come in my door for no reason, except to enlighten me on being in the moment? You come here and try to sell me something, you wont even tell me the price. There is always a price. Let me ask you this, if you so good at being in the moment, how can you not recognize that I’ve been cheating you all these years? I can read the back of the cards. I take you for at least 20$ every time. You’re a fucking moron.”
Sam stood up “You’re the moron, I loose on purpose so I can give you some money cause I know you need it. I know you won’t take it so I lose it to you on purpose. I’ve been helping you all along you old shit” Sam showed his final card. He had won this match.
Andy got up quickly, headed for the kitchen cupboard quickly. Sam was nervous. He had not challenged Andy before. He did not know what would happen. Sam tried to plan the best way to exit. He thought the old man was gonna kill him or hurt him is some way. He looked around and saw the open window. He got up and started toward it.
“Look kid. You’re an idiot. That is for sure” Andy was walking closer, “ but thank you.”
Sam stopped a few feet from the window. He turned around slowly. Did he just hear what he thought he heard?
“Were you gonna jump out that window?”
“Ah, yes” Sam was frozen in shock.
The old man put a bottle on the table. It was an bottle of whiskey which looked very old.
“I got this after my wife died in 67, only drink a little each time I am humbled. My wife humbled me. She really was one of a kind”
He got out two small glasses and filled them both full. Drank both glasses himself, refilled them then handed one to Sam.
“To bullshit and love. May they live hand in hand forever”
Andy spent the next two hours telling Sam about his wife. Sam listened and drank the whiskey. It was smooth, really smooth. Eventually Andy had spilled his guts, and given Sam the last drop of his whiskey.
“I’m dying Sam. I don’t got much time left. Docs say it’s cancer. I know that I don’t want to live no more. It’s my time. Just listen, if there is one thing that you take away from all this please let it be this; Don’t wait! Don’t wait to live! Don’t wait to risk it all! Don’t wait for love! You’ve only got one life. There is no guarantee of heaven. All you got for sure is this life and the best thing you can do is fall in love and be loved and to make love.”
Andy’s head was down. He was exhausted.
Sam got up and said, “You sappy old bastard. I never thought you had a heart”
Andy laughed for a second then started to cry, just a few tears. He bowed his head, wiped his face with his sleeve.
“Sam. Don’t wait too long. Find someone to love.”
Sam stared at Andy for a few minutes. His brain was moving fast. Love of another is not necessary for happiness. Love of self is the most important thing one can do, he thought. I could love another if I tried, just don’t see the point. It’s too much work for something that is not necessary.
Sam said the only thing that came to his mind. “I love you Andy.”
“Fuck off you. I don’t mean human love you idiot” Andy was half mad, half drunk “I mean passionate love. Ah you’re too closed to know what I am talking about.”
Andy got up, walked to the front door, opened it, which Sam took as a sign it was time to leave.
“Listen Sam “ Andy was rather serious now, “ Thank you for losing me the money. I had suspected that was the case but I needed the money to get by. All those games, all that time and I thought I was helping you.”
“Helping me with what?” Sam had the notion he was the helper and did not need much help.
“Opening your heart. It’s closed Sam. Your inner peace seems to be more because you don’t allow anyone in. Being alone is easier to control. I loved once and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Sam thanked Andy gave him a warm handshake and left, heading down the sidewalk. His mind lost in thought.
“There are days we forget even before they are over. Then there are days that never seem to end. In the midst of endless days there always seems to be a pause, like the pause between breaths. That 5-10 minutes, when nothing is happening amidst the chaos, when no one is talking, time seems to stand still. This is the time to stop, take inventory and prepare for what the rest of the day has in store for you.
A wise person takes this pause in a busy day and sits, meditates, breaths, has a cup of tea, goes for a little walk in a park. A smart person uses that time to rest before the next big adventure of the day.
Sam apparently was neither smart nor wise this day, Sam was ready for whatever the universe had in store for him next. He loved feeling this free. For the first time in quite a while he was having fun. Not just the, this is interesting, kinda fun, but the ‘wholly shit I can not believe this is happening to me’ kinda fun.
The sun was setting over the hilltop. The air was getting cooler. Sam forgot to bring a coat or a sweater. His t-shirt was not enough. He hardly noticed his physical needs. He was light as seeds in the wind, floating through the streets.
There are times in our lives when we are truly in the present moment. We do not fear anything from the future or regret anything from the past. We are just where we are. Sam was there…. Except for one nagging part. Sharing with others.
Sam was not sure he had been sharing. It was more like others had been sharing with him. He tried, he offered what he had, his perspectives, but so far people just wanted to tell him stuff, or ignore him all together.
Sam was missing something and he knew it. Deep breath in… hold…. Deep breath out. Sam found a nice bench to sit and watch the sun set. Deep breath in….. hold deep breath out…. hold….. deep breath…. out… in…. out…
Sam was not journeying, nor doing anything. He was calming his mind, finding a state of peace. He could feel the cool air setting in from the setting sun. He could feel the glow of the colors of the sun setting. He could feel his heart beat slowing down, his breathing releasing, then he was gone. Lost in a deep loveful darkness.
_____________________________________________________________________
Chapter 6 – Pain and Release
Time was silent. The world around Sam was lost, his body, mind and soul rested together. Silence was reached, all was at a stop until someone sat beside Sam and started to talk.
“Meditating eh?”
“Not anymore” Sam replied smiling. He looked over at his visitor
“You look cold my friend, you need a sweater?”
“Um, sure” Sam was a little lost just being awoken from his meditation “You have an extra one?”
“Yep” Said the stranger who was now standing. He handed Sam a sweater and started to walk away. “You coming?”
“Where are we going?” Sam put the sweater on, it fit well and made him feel warm instantly.
“Dinner, its about to be served”
Sam got up and followed still staying in the moment. They walked for a bit. They went over the river, past the mill and onto a dirt road. They walked for another 5 minutes or so till they reached a little house nestled where the deep forest meets the small town.
“Come on in. I bet we got something good to eat” The stranger went around to the back of the house and disappeared.
Sam hesitated. What was he doing? This guy could be nuts. He should be getting home anyway, he was tired, and has to work tomorrow. What was he doing there? For the first time all day he felt his tiredness take over. He was exhausted. He never missed meals. He had no idea what was waiting behind that little house.
Sam turned and started up the path back to the town.
“Hey you coming? We have venison stew. Joanne made it. You have to try it. She’s the master of stews.”
Sam thought that he would regret this but he always loved wild game. Venison stew sounds fantastic. Maybe he will stay for only the meal. He has to eat right?
Sam turned the corner at the back of the house. There was a screened-in porch, large enough to hold a dining table. Candles lit all over the place. He could smell the stew. A young lady came out of the back door and put the stew on the table. She was beautiful.
The man handed Sam a smoked joint, Sam took a few puffs, coughed and sat at the dinner table.
“So who’s our guest? Are you not going to introduce us?” The soft, delicious voice almost made Sam forget about the aroma of heaven rising from the crock she carried with her. This sacred woman was beautiful, with soft dark skin, long black hair and beautiful breasts that where not hidden by a braw. Sam starred at her as he felt the pot take hold of him. He was not sure if it was the food, the pot or the goddess in front of him but he felt as if he was floating in his chair.
“Oh shit, I forgot about all the formalities. Joanne, this is meditating guy from town.” Joe took a puff of the joint and handed it back to Sam.
“Please excuse Joe’s inability to be a compassionate human. What is your name my friend?”
Sam answered politely, he was feeling really stoned now. He could smell the bread baking in the oven, fresh bread with stew. Sam instantly lost track of the conversation and thought of all the ways he wanted to make love to this meal. First he will break the bread, dip it in the stew, then he might polish his spoon to make it proper enough to use for this meal. He thought of licking his bowl clean…
“Sam, you still with us?” Joe interrupted Sams imagination.
Apparently the conversation had carried on while Sam gushed over the meal. He looked at Joe and Joanna with a slight hint of shame.
“Well boy, when is the last time you ate? You look to be starvin. Get him a bowl wont ya?” Joe ordered Joanna around with such loving authority.
“Thank you, I, ah, really appreciate it. I seem to have forgotten to eat much today. I had some really good scones earlier. I am a little lost today.”
“No shit, y’all look like you just waken from a coma. ” Joe laughed
“Be kind Joe, he might need a loving arm more then a stiff hand.”
“Sorry boy,” Joe was clearly younger then Sam but still called him boy “ Where you from?”
“Ah here in town. Well no I actually live in Updale county, just about 15 mins from town”
“Really? How come I never seen you anywhere?” Joe sat at the table right next to Sam.
“Don’t know? Maybe we just don’t run with the same circles. I tend to hang out at Jakes a lot.”
“Good pie there.” Sam lit a candle in the middle of the table.
“Kinda why I go” Sam was so hungry now. The smells of the food intensified. His stomach grumbled.
“So you know Susan Myrtle?
“No, don’t think so.”
“How about Fred Marigold?”
“Um, maybe?”
“Shit, he’s our mayor. Been the mayor for 38 years. Who do you know in town then?” Joe poured Sam a glass of red wine.
Johanna came out of the house with fresh bread, steaming from it’s recent birth. Sam looked down at his bowl as Joanna filled it with stew. He was lost again. Could there be a better smelling thing on the planet? The whiffs of deep sweetness and savory morsels, the hint of cinnamon, the touch of thyme, Sam was almost out of control. All his manners where seriously delayed by his overwhelming desire to bathe his mouth in this brilliant meal.
Sam felt something touch his hand. It was Joe he had his hand outstretched.
“Take my hand boy, we have a little tradition here”.
Sam took his hand and Joanne hand to make a circle.
Johanna started, “I am grateful for new company and old friends”.
“I am grateful for food, wine and beautiful women,” Joe was looking at Joanna, who was rolling her eyes, but still smiling.
It was Sams turn. He thought for a second and started to cry. It came on so fast. The tears where dripping from his face. He held on to both hands with force. He let out a big sob, dug deep and said
“I am grateful for human contact, which I had not had in many years”
“Bon Appetite” They all said together.
The two young lovers barely bashed an eye at Sams emotional outpour. It was like he was not even crying.
“Sorry, don’t know where that came from, just needed to get it out.”
“Let it out my friend” Joanna put a hand on Sams shoulder. “Thank you for that honesty. We are honored to have you at our table”
“Don’t apologize boy, this bit of sharing does not happen everyday. Hell I don’t even remember your name and here you are shedding tears in your stew. You a gift to this world, you know that?”
Sam felt like a fool, not a gift. He stuck his spoon into his bowl and brought the heaping meal to his mouth. It was fantastic. It was everything he had hoped for. It was soft and smooth. It was full of life and love. It was familiar yet unique. It was just enough.
Sam took the first bite and chewed slowly. He caressed his spoon between bites. He danced slowly with the meal. He took turns eating with the spoon and dipping the warm steaming bread. He sped up his pace, entered the deep lust of the meal. He could feel his belly ready to explode, not yet though.
Sam felt the pressure mounting. He was getting tired, the bowl was bigger then he thought. He should have paced himself more but could not help it. He needed to keep going now, he was almost there. This was not about the others, this was about Sam finishing. He grabbed the bowl and licked it clear. Put the bowl down and took a deep breath.
“Oh my fucking God, that was the best sex, I have ever had.”
Joe looked up from his meal, smiled and lovingly corrected Sam. “You mean stew?”
“Ya. What did I say?”
“You said sex not stew. You said that was the best sex you ever had” Johanna gave Sam a puzzled look.
Sam thought for a bit. He was embarrassed. It had been a while, a long while. He could not answer, he just looked down at his clean stew bowl.
“Joe may I have a word with you?” Joanna got up from the table and walked into the kitchen with a handful of dishes. Joe followed. They left Sam alone there for a few minutes before Joe came out.
“It was a pleasure to have met you Sam. I must be going now. Please enjoy yourself.”
Joe reached out his hand. Sam shook it and smiled. Sam was a little confused, not sure what to make of the circumstances at hand. He watched Joe leave out the back door. Joe whistled as he walked away. The delicate sound faded as he got further away.
Just as Joe’s whistling was too far to hear, Joanna came from the kitchen. She took Sams hand and pulled it gently towards her. Sam got up from the table and followed Joanna into the house. Joanna sat him down on the couch and lit some candles in the room.
“Sam, I want to be with you. I feel called to help you heal your sexual energies. I have worked with plenty of men and women, helping them reconnect with their sexual souls.”
Sam was shocked. He was not sure what was in store or what was happening. It took him a while to realize that Joanna wanted to have sex with him. Joe had left so Joanna could offer some sexual healing. Sam was startled and stood up instantly.
“Oh, thank you Johanna, I appreciate all this. I really do but I must be going.” Sam palms where sweating.
Johanna approached Sam slowly. She put her hand over his fast beating heart. She looked into his eyes and kissed him softly on the lips.
Sam whispered with a stutter “You don’t have to do this.”
“Shhhh” Johanna put her finger on Sams lips.
“What about Joe?”
“This was his idea.” She started to unbutton her shirt. “All you need to do is allow yourself to feel what is going on. Tell me if you get uncomfortable. Tell me what you like.”
Sam felt himself getting hard. He had not felt the touch of a woman in years. He rarely touched himself anymore having thought that spilling semen was a waste of energy.
He was worried that he would cum to early. Johanna took off her shirt to expose her soft round breasts. Sam reached out to touch them. Johanna took Sams hand and pushed it onto your chest. She moved closer to Sam, kissing him again, this time longer and with openness. She put her hand on inner his thigh, moving up slowly.
Sam could feel Joanna’s hand moving closer to his cock. He felt his heart racing. He felt his mind racing.
Don’t panic. Breathe. Don’t cum. Think of something else. Oh, she’s rubbing, that feels so good. I wanna cum. No, not yet. Not yet. I wanna… see where…. this will go don’t cum yet.
Johanna unzipped Sam and pushed her hand into his pants. She brushed the hot hard lust Sam was trying to hide. She grabbed it quickly and with force. Sam yelped and looked at her.
“I want you to focus on your entire body, not just your cock. I want you to feel your entire body. Don’t worry about your orgasm. Worry instead about making sure every cell in your body orgasms when your entire body is ready. Your cock is not in charge, it is part of this dance.”
She got on her knees and exposed Sam to the cool night air. She wrapped her mouth around him and moaned. Sam felt his body release. He felt his shoulders soften. He wanted to sit, to spread his legs. Her mouth was warm and generous. She put him all the way into her mouth and slowly came out.
Sam was not thinking about his cumming. He was focused on how it made his body feel. He felt alive and strong. He felt a force in him awaken. A passion he had never felt. Most of Sam’s life his sexual experiences were short and quick, full of shame and apologies, he had never felt this strength that was arising in him.
Sam grabbed Joanna’s chin and pulled her to standing. He unbuttoned her pants, slipped his hand down to the wet goddess that was swelling inside. He could hear Joanna moan again, this time her eyes rolled back as he entered her gently. There they played. Both lost in each other’s fingers, hands, bodies and smells.
“I want you in me”
So Sam obliged. He pulled her pants off, pulled his down and lay Joanna on the couch. He got on top of her and without any effort or searching, he entered her. He growled the second he felt himself all the way inside her.
“Sorry” He felt ashamed for the aggressive noise
Johanna looked up at him and smiled “Let the animal be free here.”
Sam could feel a power within him rising. He would thrust with intention, with force. He fucked Joanna. He made love to Joanna. He let his entire body be present and participate.
The pressure mounted. Joanna was moaning, almost screaming. Sam was growling, the animal within was wild and free. He grabbed her quickly, turned her over and entered her from behind.
“Oh my god, oh my god, I’m gonna cum” Joanna was moaning at this point. Sam could feel himself swelling. He could feel his consciousness waning. He could feel his body about to explode. He could feel something slowly creeping up his cock, deep inside.
Joanna screamed a final scream. A second after Sam pulled out and let his seed spray all over Joanna’s back. Sam yelled as loud as he ever had. He almost passed out. He collapsed on Joanna on the hot mess that lay between them.
“That was beautiful”
_____________________________________________________________________
7. Attempted Self Escape
Sam had slept past the morning light. He lost track of the evening. He remembered talking with Joanna. He did not remember if Joe came home or not. He felt exhausted. For the first time ever he felt no guilt after sex. He did not worry about what had happened or what he was supposed to do. He fell asleep on the couch a few minutes after they cleaned up their mess.
Sam awoke on the couch, thirsty and a little sore. He stared at the ceiling not thinking too much. He had no idea what time it was. He let himself drift in and out of a shallow sleep for a while until he remembered that he had to call his work.
“Shit” He called out, looking for his pants.
“Shit” he called even louder having found his pants and his phone, which was on silent mode, and noticed the time.
“Ah fuck” This was his way of expressing the sight of 6 messages, 12 missed calls and four texts, the last one reading…
“I am now assuming that you are not coming in today. Jen was here for her meeting. Please call her to talk.”
Sam was a step from a full panic. He could barely breath. What they hell was he thinking? He loved his life. He loved his business. It was simple and pleasant. Why was he self-destructing it? What was this Guru mission he was on? Must be nothing more then self-sabotage. He deserved a good life.
He quickly grabbed all his stuff and ran out the door without saying anything to Joe or Johanna. Called the local cab guy, headed home. On the way home he called work, made up some lie about why he was late that they seemed to accept. He got into his front door just before noon, jumped into the shower, threw on clothing, grabbed an apple and headed to the office.
Sam quickly went about his business. He called Jen to reschedule a meeting. He answered his messages. He replied to all his emails. He cleared his desk of old notes. He made a “to do” list. Sam worked late that night, went right home, defrosted something for dinner, watched a show, went to bed.
The next day, everything was according to schedule. Everything was normal. Sam did not allow himself to give thought to his mission, his calling, his night under the stars. He did not think much of Joe or Andy. He gave some thought to the love of Joanna, but did not want to dwell on it.
In Sam’s grand expertise, that 48 hours of craziness was nothing more then a blip. An almost mid life crisis, a return of Sam’s ego trying to destroy his good life. He ridiculed himself. He laughed at his thoughts. He did not think much about those days, but when he did, he would smile and think of himself as a foolish man.
To Sam it was all a teaching from the universe. Sam could not be a Guru. Sam was no teacher. Sam was just Sam and happy for it. Besides, would the universe not give him more signs leading him to the road of a teacher if that was what he was supposed to be doing? As far as Sam could tell there were no signs, nothing but calm.
8. Giving Power
Humans are brilliant at justifying almost anything. Justification is one of separations greatest weapons. We can have every bit of evidence towards a belief, we can see, hear, smell, feel something and turn around a few minutes later and forget it ever happened, or pass it off as our imagination.
Billions of people have seen ghosts, spirits, fairies, aliens, but only a few have the courage to believe what they have seen. We are consistently presented with our own biggest fears. We are continually confronted by our self-created demons. We pretend we are victims, we pass it off as bad luck. Very few confront life and change their beliefs. Billions repeat traumas over and over again, blaming it on others or circumstances. Very few own up to their cycles, change them and move on.
We’re in a loop for the most part. We grow older by the second, yet we rarely wise up, change or move on. We have so many excuses. “I don’t know how. I can’t. I don’t have the strength. It was not my fault. I like the pain. I am afraid of the unknown…” It is comfortable to be in similar circumstances over and over again. It is predictable.
It is in the moments when a person chooses to face their demons, face themselves, that true healing begins. It is when someone stops their cycles that the world changes.
Sam was no different then most. He kept his demons close, his problems repeated. He decided that it is best if he left his visions behind. He turned from his hearts calling to his safe world he knew. He went back to sleep.
For the nest few weeks Sam would get out of bed every morning but would forget to wake up. He would walk around, drive to work, eat, and talk to others who were also still asleep. He choose to not open his inner eyes. He was one of the walking dead, a modern zombie. He would happily blame others for his issues, triggers and insecurities. He would live in comfort and convenience, forgetting about the effort it took to awaken his spirit.
Every evening, just as the sun would set, Sam would walk along the beach at Sunset point. He would keep a brisk pace so as to get a sweat up. He wanted to work his cardio, so he extended his walk to the near by subdivision.
Sam’s pace picked up till he noticed that his walks seemed shorter. He could almost run his walks he moved so fast, so he ran. He jogged the beach, the community, over the valley, past the fields, and back again. He found a love of seeing how far he could go. He felt great and in great shape.
Sam had not returned to Joe’s. He avoided the town where they lived. He did not contact Joanna after their blissful night. He stopped practicing being a guru or teacher. He erased his business plan from his laptop. He decided he had a mini mid-life crisis. He jogged and slept at the same time.
Sam’s world was calm again, having been weeks since the blip in his life had passed. He had managed to get through the darkness with ease keeping busy with his running, his meditation and an avid TV watching. He had visited his mother and brothers over the holidays, not much happened.
It was a simple life. Sam liked it, it was predictable, it was safe, it was relaxing. He told himself almost every day how lucky he was.
“I deserve this life, it’s a good and happy life.”
The only problem was he was not happy, nor was he fulfilled. There was a lacking, a yearning, something incomplete. Sam was feeling the need to search for something.
Every time he felt a void, he would tell himself that he was happy and wanting more is glutinous. He would tell himself that he had all he needs. He was warm, fed and safe. Whenever Sam felt that he was missing something, he ignored it and looked at what he had in his life and not what he was missing.
The late days of spring gave Sam more time to run. He actually could now run into town. He would run to Jakes Place, grab a piece of pie and run home. He did this every Sunday as a treat.
On one such occasion he ran into Sue
“Hey Sam, where the hell have you been? I counted you as a goner.” Sue was surprised to see Sam and did not hide it.
“Oh hey Sue. Been busy.”
“Great. Would love to hear of your journeys. Where you been?”
“Nowhere Sue, just home and work. Sometimes I come here.”
“Oh, I thought you were abroad, like in India or something. Joe told me you where planning on traveling to the east?”
“Joe? Joe who?”
“Joe Turnbull. Apparently you ate his food and crashed on his couch. He tells it like you were a ghost passing through his life for a brief moment. There one minute, gone the next. Anyway, he thought you ran off to somewhere to be with higher spirits and such. You know learning stuff to teach us all. He is really excited to see you again. You should give him a call”
Sam barely heard a thing Sue said. He had not thought of that night at Joe and Joanna’s for a very long time. He remembered telling Joe, probably drunk and stoned at dinner, that he was going to go to the east to learn how to heal. Sam knew of a few people who went to the east and learned some pretty cool things.
Sam had almost forgotten about that. He thought mostly of his time with Joanna that night. Joe was so excited about Sam’s ideas. At one point Joe stood up, must have been past midnight, and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Sam is a Guru, a Teacher and an Shaman in my books”
Sam smiled at the memory. The stew, ah, Sam had forgotten about the stew. Oh if Jake could only make something that tasted half as good as that stew. Then he thought about Johanna. What a beautiful night, what a wonderful women.
“Sam!”
Sam could feel someone shaking him.
“Yo, Sam! Where did you go? You know it’s rude to lose yourself in your memory when an elder speaks with you”
Sam smiled and looked over at Sue with a smirk “Ah Sue you’re not an elder, you’re just old.” Sam giggled.
“Ah you little shit.” Sue joined in on the laughter.
Sue sipped her coffee, settled into her seat. She looked over to Sam and then down at her coffee again.
“I think it’s time you come and have a sweat with us.”
Sam had known Sue for years. She was as close to a friend that Sam had. Sam knew of Sue’s traditional up-bringing. Sue did not talk about it much but it crept into conversations every once and a while. Sue never invited Sam to the reserve or to any ceremony she performed. Sam never asked to go to any either.
Sam had no idea of how to answer Sue’s request. He wanted to go do a sweat; he had always wanted to do a traditional native sweat. He did a sweat once but it was with a couple of friends. They got the instructions from the internet. It was nice, but Sam knew there was so much more to experience from a culture that has been practicing the medicine of Sweat Lodges for generations.
Sam sat up straight, this invite caught his attention.
“Are you sure Sue?”
“Sam, listen hard. I do not ask things that I am not sure about. It has been asked of me to ask you to come to one of our sweats. It is up to you if you want to join and when.”
“Who asked you to ask me?”
“Hardly matters who, matters that I am asking you. If you wanna come, let me know. I’ll give you the teachings you need to not make a fool of yourself.”
“Yes. Yes, for sure. I would love to come. When? Where?”
“Hold on there cowboy. Slow that eager horse down. I’ll let you know the when and where. I’ll get in touch with you. In the mean time, you are going to need to prepare.”
“Ok how?”
“You’ll need to prepare for the journey you will be taken on. You need to spend time in deep meditation and let me know what you learn about yourself.”
“I can do that!”
“You’re going to need to journal your dreams. Anything you can remember when you get up every morning. Call me every week with updates. The information you give me will help us prepare for the sweat”
“Ok, anything else?”
Sue put her coffee cup down. Cleaned her hands on her lap. Sat up straight and looked at Sam. Sam had never really looked into Sues eyes before, not for any length. He had known her for a while but never actually stopped to look at her.
As Sue was staring deep into her dark eyes, Sam felt himself sinking into his chair. He felt as if he was shrinking. He noticed layers of wonder in Sue’s eyes. He felt a calmness, a power in her. Sam lost track of time. He lost track of the world, there was nothing but Sue’s eyes…
After some time Sue took a deep breath, smiled, and put her hand on Sam’s shoulder.
“Be ready Sam, you need to face your demons.”
Sam felt light, clear and energized. What was that? Sam had never felt anything like that before. He felt as if he had been shown the universe. Like he had been deconstructed and put back together again with such care and love. He was peaceful.
“What was that Sue?”
“Just a little togetherness. You looked so lonely. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all it. How’d you do that?”
“I didn’t do much. Just opened my heart and met you in your heart. You did as much as me. No more about this. Enjoy, relax and now do as I told you and call me the second you get any messages about hawks. Just call me some time Sam.”
Sam sat at Jake’s Diner for another hour. He could not move. He stared out at the dark night. The rain had just started, the streets where reflecting the colors of the signs in town. There were very few cars driving around. Sam just sat still and present for the first time in a long time.
As he stepped outside into the cold night air he thought to himself…
“I love being alive. I love being present in this time. I love the smell of the air, the feeling of the soft wind on my face, the chill of the ground under me”
All this thought made his heartbeat strong; his eyes open wide, his spirit free. As the pendulum swung back to Sam’s spirituality, he could feel the pull to be a Guru once again. Sam was once again thinking about giving up his life to follow a path of a spiritual teacher. He remembered the people he had met, the journey’s he had been on. He recalled the calling he received in the field. He felt as though his memory had been erased and it was now coming back to him.
How could he be so foolish? How could he not see it? He was to lead this world into a new light. He was to teach others how to be at peace. He was to fly high and teach others how to fly with him. He was to be put on pedestals and there he would preach the word of love.
The universe was ushering a new era and Sam was to be one of the leaders.
9 No Hawks
Sam was clear for the first time in a long time. He sat up all night, thinking about what Sue had offered. A sweat sounds like a great idea. Clear his mind; get a clearer message and instructions from the universe.
Sam was ejaculating with excitement. He spent 4 days telling everyone he saw that he invited to a “traditional” sweat. Sam did not call Sue, nor did he frequent Jake’s Diner. Sam had done the easy part of deciding to do something. He was neglecting the action part. He did not spend time in deep meditation, nor did he keep a dream journal.
In fact Sam forgot all about contacting Sue. He just liked the idea of being invited on a sweat. He actually thought to himself that he did not need to go to a sweat. He could host a sweat himself if he wanted to. The universe was going to teach him to be a Guru and no ceremony would be needed. Sam’s ego grew like a noxious weed.
Sam started to practice teaching at his office. He would go to peoples desks and share things he thought people wanted to know. Old teachings from sacred texts that he tried to put into modern terms
“You must love yourself before you love others.”
“Forgiveness is the key to happiness. Judge no one especially yourself.”
“Everything you need is here and now.”
Soon he found people avoiding him. People would walk away from him. His passion to teach was not working, but Sam did not care. He was too important for those who did not want to learn.
Sam started a blog and posted regularly on it. He would update facebook with what he thought was insightful updates. He would spend hours scouring other people’s blogs and commenting on them. He would walk the streets and offer people words of advice.
Sam started to wear white clothing. White cotton pants with a long white shirt. He stopped shaving and did not cut his hair. Eventually Sam stopped going to the office. He chose to spend most of his time chatting, offering quick one liners of support and by looking like a giant Guru geek.
Sam was fully committed to the idea of becoming a Guru. He played the part. Fake it till you make it. All his efforts where not going unnoticed either. Sam had many people checking out his blogs and more friends on facebook then he ever expected. People started to ask him questions and send him contacts of other Gurus.
It was all working. Sam was becoming a Guru. In a short month Sam was seeing fruits of his labor. He was popular, charming, witty and smooth. Sam was so excited that he forgot all about the Sweat. He forgot all about Sue and Joe and Joanna. He forgot about his work, his house, his family. His life was his quest, he had not time for anything else.
One night he had a vivid dream of a hawk coming and picking him up off the ground. It flew into the air with him caught in its talons. The hawk then dropped Sam to the ground. Sam hit the ground hard and woke up instantly with a throbbing headache. Sam did not call Sue with this info. He forget that Sue had asked for dream information from him. Sam just went back to his quest.
Sam sat at home one weekday night, just about sunrise, the spring days where getting longer so it must have been after 7 in the evening. It was a few months after his last conversation with Sue. He was watching the sunset from his front window, just enjoying the view. Sam had been waiting for a call from an editor that wanted to give Sam a book deal to share his special teachings.
Just as he was about to check the phone for messages he saw someone coming up the driveway. He could not make out who is was, the setting orange colors of the sun had engulfed the visitor leaving nothing more then a black silhouette.
“Knock” Just one loud knock. Nothing else.
Sam opened the door, still not knowing who was on the other side of the door. He felt a strong push against the half opened door. Before Sam could do anything about it someone pushed their way into Sam’s house.
Sam’s heart dropped, he stepped back from the door and yelled
“HEY! Who the fuck is there?” Sam’s hands where up in defense of any attacks.
“Nice house Sam, just as bland as you are.” The familiar voice greeted him in return.
“Joe, is that you? What the hell Joe, you fucking took years off my life. What the fuck are you doing here?” Sam came into the living room and sat on the couch. He was more flustered then he had been in a long time. Joe really scared him for some reason.
“Ah shit, sorry boy, thought you saw me coming up the hill. You ready?”
“The sun was in my eyes, I had no idea who was coming in.” Sam was still rubbing his eyes.
“Must a scared ya some then. Ah well. Lets go then? I’m sorry I’m late, not too late though.”
“I’m lost Joe, where do you think we are going?”
“Oh ya, I think it is off Alma road, somewhere past Moose Mountain, supposed to be a sign there with Wolf Camp on it. Never been out there…”
“Joe! What are you talking about?” Sam interrupted
“Well, John was supposed to host it, but his wife is sick so then Henry offered but his land was too small, but his cousins camp would be perfect so that is where we decided. Got a lodge already built there. I thought you knew all this. Ah well, we should get going.”
Joe headed out the door, appearing to not hear Sam’s pleas for more information. Sam was out the door following Joe, trying to catch up. Sam had no idea where Joe thought they where going but Sam would have none of it.
“Stop!” Sam eventually yelled at the top of his lungs. Joe turned around with a wide smile on his face and started to laugh.
“Sue said I would not even get you out the front door. That crazy broad owes me a dollar. Come on then… lets get you on outta here.”
“What the hell is going on?” Sam was breathing heavily. His red face lit up will with the colors of the fading sun. “I’m not going anywhere!” Sam’s tantrum was obviously amusing to Joe.
“Of course you are Sam. You just don’t know it yet. I got you out the front door in less then 30 seconds. Soon we will be on our way. Just let it happen brother.”
“I will not. I will not go anywhere with you. Sue sent you. Are we going to a sweat?”
“Oh you’re good boy.” Joe kept walking towards his car at the end of the driveway.
“Stop calling me boy. I am older than you and demand respect.”
Joe stopped and turned around. He did not look too happy. “You can not demand respect, you earn respect. Boy!”
“Fuck you Joe. Get off my property” Sam pointed down the road
“Would love to but I have a problem, I promised Sue that I would bring you to her tonight. I owe her a favor and I have a reputation of being persuasive. If you don’t come with me I will lose credibility. I might lose clients, business suffers, I lose my house and Johanna. Shit I can’t leave your property. It is my life’s work to get you to Sue.”
“Seriously Joe. You really think that me not coming with you will influence your life in any way? I find that hard to believe. In fact I don’t care right now. If you wanted me to come with you all you had to do was ask.” Sam was not happy with how he was being directed to go with Joe. He did not like being told what to do. He was too busy to go anywhere, that publisher deal was important in building his following.
“Ha, that’s funny. You are so stuck in denial that you needed to be coaxed into this, it is the only way Sam. You’re lost boy. Come on, lets go, we’re gonna be late”
“I am so not lost Joe. I am more clear then I ever have been.”
“Really? Cause you look like a fool in those clothes. You look like the Guru of tampons. I have been reading your blog and it really sucks. Sounds like a really bad version of the Tao Te Ching.”
“Sam turned around and headed back towards the house. He had heard enough. Sam was proud of his writing; proud of his clothes and too proud to listen to someone like Joe.
“You slept with Joanna.” Joe’s voice was sincere for the first time.
Sam stopped. He had forgotten about that. He remembered the sex well, just forgot that Joanna and Joe where together.
“She said it was alright with you.”
“I wish it was. I am trying to be alright with it. Just not that easy for me and my ego.”
“Have you talked to her about this?”
“Fuck no Sam. I can’t let her know this. This is my demon to deal with. I will find a way to be OK with this whole thing, but for now I need you to come with me.”
“I have things to do Joe. I can not help you right now.”
“Holly fuck”, Joe through his hands up in the air, “your supposed to be a Guru? Oh shit we are all gonna be so fucking lost if you lead us. You can not even find time to help a friend in need. Are you a Guru or an opportunistic bitch?”
Joe opened the front door of his car.
“Trust me Sam. Have I done anything that is not trustworthy?”
“Well you barged into my house and started barking orders at me.”
“What the hell does that have to do with trust? Have I tried to hurt you, cheat you, or steal from you? Fuck no. I am trustworthy as it gets”
Sam pondered the whole conversation for a minute. He was thinking about his phone call and the work he had to do. He was not sure why but he was also thinking about where Joe might take him.
Joe Continued “I am of the dog clan. I am a dog warrior and proud of it. I serve others, and they need to be served so I am always needed. People love servants more then they love their family sometimes. I am trustworthy… you on the other hand I don’t know about.”
“Hey I’m trustworthy” Sam was calm now, looking less resistant.
“Are you? Do you really do everything you have said you were going to do? Have you kept your word on everything you do? Have you been clear in all your communications? Have you been truthful to yourself?”
Sam was stunned. No one had asked him such poignant questions before. He was not sure about it. He thought he was honest but now he was not certain. Sometimes he might tell a little lie to get out of a dinner date or a meeting. And he sometimes pretended he was not home when people came over. And he does cheat a little on his taxes, but he hates the government, everyone cheats on their taxes.
“So are you going to keep your word and come to the sweat?” Joe got into the car and closed his door.
Sam was shocked by the question of trust still.
“Um, sweat. Ya. Um” Sam took a breath “Ya sweat, yes sure.”
Sam moved towards the car. Joe started the rusty old car. Sam was in the car and on his way before he even knew it. He did not really remember getting in the car. He was confused… why did he lie to others? Why not just tell the truth? To avoid conflict? No must be something more than that…
10 Self Introductions Required
Sam spent the entire ride thinking about little lies he told people. Trying to justify to himself why he had to lie. He came up with no reason. Was he avoiding the situation? Was he deceitful? Was he hiding? Was it his up bringing? Could he even change this habit of white lies?
“How are you doing Sam?” They would ask
‘Fine thanks” he always responded, even if he was not fine. A white lie.
“You busy tonight Sam?” They would ask
“Yes I have something to do” A lie, most of the time he just wanted to be alone.
Sam thought about the people he avoided because they bothered him. Was he lying to them? To himself? Did these people who bothered him actually have teachings for him? Could he have seen his feelings of being bothered as a sign that he has inner work to do?
“Sam buddy, wake up” Joe whispered. Sam was so lost in his thoughts he did not realize the car had stopped and was turned off. Sam got out of the car. It was chilly, the sun had set and the night air pressed easily through his cotton shirt. He did not even think about bringing anything with him. He had no water, no sweater, no change of clothes, no gift for Sue. He had the shirt on his back. He did not even remember to bring his wallet or phone. He wasn’t even sure he closed the front door to his house before leaving.
“Joe, you brilliant bastard. I can not believe you did it” Sue came from across the field where a group of people was gathered around a fire.
“No problem Sue.” Sue and Joe hugged, “I told you, I can get anyone to your front door, all you gotta do is ask.”
Sue was looking at Sam. Her eyes turned to radars and scanned his person. She stopped at his chest, looking intensely at his shirt. She reached up and softly rubbed her fingers on his shirt end.
“Is this all you brought?” Sue was laughing, ‘Your gonna freeze your nuts right off.”
“Joe stole me from the house.” Sam giggled.
“Oh you little shit. Where the hell have you been? I’ve been searching for you for weeks now.” Sue changed her tone quickly. She was quite serious now. He soft skin was glowing in the cool night air.
“I’ve been around, home, work, life. You never called or came to visit.” Sam crossed his arms, partly to keep warm, partly to protect himself from Sue seeing the truth.
“Shit boy, you’re part of our family. Family don’t call or visit, they share lives.” Joe looked angry for the first time all night, “You see Sue all the time, except over the past few weeks. You must have been avoiding her”
“What are you talking about Joe?”
Sue put both her hands on Sam’s shoulders. “ I am glad you are here.”
Sam was cold. He was tired of being pushed around. He did not wait for an invitation. He pushed his way around Sue and walked across the field towards the fire. He could only think about getting warm. Sue and Joe chased behind but Sue was slow on her feet and Joe was helping her.
Sam got to the fire pit, looked at everyone there. They barely noticed him, continued their conversation…
“Traveling to the centre of truth” One man said,
“I don’t like center, can we just say traveling to truth?” Cut in another man, this man looked like the oldest of the group.
“What’s wrong with centre, it’s trying to say that we are getting to the heart of truth.”
“Oh I like that. Traveling to the heart of truth” The oldest man said.
Everyone agreed then looked at Sam.
“What do you think?” They all looked at Sam
Sam was in the spot light. Sue and Joe had not joined the group yet. Sam had no idea what they where talking about.
“Um, sure, sounds nice” Sam deferred to obscurity.
“Do you have anything to add?” The old man asked.
By this time Sue had just gotten to the fire, she was out of breath.
“They are talking about the intention for the sweat. Everyone needs to be good with it. What did you get so far?” Sue asked the group
“Traveling to the centre of truth” One man said
“No it was traveling to the heart of truth” Another piped in.
Sam nodded “Sounds nice. Let’s go then”
Sam looked around to see if he could spot the sweat lodge. As he looked around all he saw was the fire, a small cabin and a little pond. He thought the sweat lodge must be in the darkness where he could not see it.
“So let’s get this thing going” Sam was anxious and cold.
Sue started, “Ok then, let’s get going. We all agree to the intention of the sweat?”
The group agreed.
Sue took off her back pack and pulled out some sage. She burnt it and passed it around. The group proceeded to cleanse themselves in the sacred smoke. One man started to sing. Sam did not know the song but picked it up quickly. Everyone eventually sang along.
When the song stopped everyone fell silent. The sound of the field crickets and the crackling fire took over. They must have stood there for ten minutes before Sue passed around a large bowl. She handed it to Joe first who took a sip of whatever was in the bowl. It was passed around till it got to Sam
“What’s in here?” Sam asked. He was nervous that it was some hallucinogen like peyote or something of that nature. He wanted nothing to do with drugs.
“Pine, cedar, balsam and a little bit of juniper” Sue answered quickly.
Sam took a sip and found the drink was very pleasant. He passed on the bowl to the next person. When it came back to Sue she poured some on the ground, said a prayer that Sam could not hear. She looked up at the people and without saying a word everyone gathered their water bottles and towels and headed towards the small wooden lodge.
Sam leaned over to Jo and asked “Where are they going? Do they get changed in there?”
“No man, that’s the sweat lodge”
Sam was shocked. They were going into a sauna? What the hell? Where is the tradition? Where is the sticks and pit and red rocks? He was upset instantly and felt tears coming to his eyes. Sam had expected some sort of traditional sweat. He expected teepees and drums and way more ceremony.
Everyone had gotten themselves into the sauna before Sam had even moved from the fire pit. He was stuck. He did not want to go into the sauna. He was having an old fashioned hissy fit. He could have gone to any sauna. He was tricked, he was mislead, he was being made fun of. He thought this was an insult. They have the real sweat when he is not there. This is the stranger sweat, the new person sweat, the white person sweat. They have this one when a stranger comes.
Sam was working himself up to a real nice anger. He felt the rage setting in. He had not felt such anger in many years. He had not felt anger in many years. He was angry and no longer cold. Anger sure does get rid of the chills.
“Are you coming?” a voice yelled from the sauna
“Sure, I’ll be right there. Keep the sauna warm” You could hear a pinch of frustration in Sam’s voice.
Sam had no water and no towel. He had only his clothes, and as far as he could remember his underwear was rather old and see through. He was not sure what to do, so he stripped his shirt off and his socks and went in his pants.
He walked up to the door of the sauna and pulled it open. He was shocked. He could smell sage, lavender, wood fire and more. He could hear drumming. He felt the wave of heat hit him hard. It took him a few minutes to adjust before he heard a loud yelling
“Shut the door!”
He was standing frozen in the door. Frozen, even though he was surrounded by heat. Sam entered the sauna, found a seat and looked up. He quickly took off his pants and sat on the nearest bench. The heat was intense. He could barely move or think. He heard someone drumming. He heard someone signing. The song was not familiar but it was reassuring.
Someone moved towards the fireplace and added another log, and another poured some water on the stove. The steam was instant and wonderful. The smell was intoxicating. The sounds where mesmerizing. Sam could feel himself relaxing.
The drumming slowed down and stopped. The singing stopped. The heat grew with every minute. The sweat poured from Sam face. He was loose and limber. He was thirsty and hot. He was laughing.
Sam was laughing deep belly laughs. He did not even know it was him for the first few minutes. He was sitting there asking himself, “who the hell is laughin” until he realized it was him that was laughing. He stopped immediately only to hear many others laughing with him. Did he start this or join in? Time seemed to evaporate.
He heard someone pour more water on the fire. HHhhmmmmmm, such a wonderful smell. Sweet, soft smell. The aroma was wrapping its arms around Sam. The humid spirit had engulfed Sam. Sam was lost. He was floating, not sitting. He was smiling, sighing and stretching. Sam sat on the bench, stretching his legs out. He was singing to himself, a song he learned as a child.
Time unraveled. The shadows of the fire danced on the wall. The air was thick, the heat was rising past intense, the voices had stopped singing. The drumming was silent. A few coughs, a few slight movements, then silence…..
Time unraveled. The shadows of the fire disappeared. The darkness wrapped its cloak around the sauna. The heat rose. Sam’s heartbeat jumped. Sam’s heart felt like it was trying to escape his chest. Thump! Thump! His breathing slowed.
“Oh shit,” Sam whispered. “I need to get out of here” He could feel himself passing out. The heat was intense.
“Door is to your right” a voice close to him whispered.
“Thanks.”
But Sam was not able to move. He had stayed in the heat too long. He could not feel his feet. He could not feel his hands. His heart was about to break his ribs. He had to get out but how. He tried to call for help but he had no breath, no voice left.
Time unraveled. Sam sat still forever. He did not move again. He was there for eternity. He could do nothing for the rest of time but feel his heart beat out of his chest.
“I have to get out.” He told himself. Sam dug deep down. He grabbed the bottom of his sweating soul and pushed. He could feel himself moving forward. He thought of moving his legs. One foot at a time. Somehow he worked his way to standing, still hunched over. His head pounded harder then his heartbeat. The Sauna started to spin. The heat was more intense when he got up.
Sam forced his way to the door, grabbing at everyone and everything he could for balance. He opened the door and fell through. He lay on the ground breathing in the cool night air. There he rested, slept, for quite some time.
When Sam awoke he felt the soft touch of Sues fingers on his face. She was softly caressing Sam’s head. She saw that he was awake
“Hey brother. Welcome back. Thought we might have lost you in there.”
Sam could hardly speak he was so thirsty. “ Water” was all he got out.
Sue grabbed her bottle and poured small sips into Sam’s mouth. Sam tasted what must have been the sweetest water he ever tasted. He took small sips. Felt himself almost getting cold. He took a few deep breaths.
“How you doing Sam?”
“Better, thank you” Sam got up, stood on his feet with his hands on his knees bent over. He could feel his head pounding, his heart was calmer, the cool night air was reassuring.
Sam looked up, his sight was foggy. He could make out the fire pit with the fire still burning bright. The sky was clear and the waning moon had just risen. The air was fresh and with every breath Sam could feel his power returning.
“I’m going back in” Sue whispered. She made her way back into the Sauna.
Sam found his way to a near by stump. He sat down and looked up at the stars. A few more deep breaths. Sue had left the water bottle with Sam. He took sips and poured some over his head. He was cooling down and was starting to feel a chill from the light breeze.
Sam was in his underwear and drenched in sweat. He was cold now and thought of getting back into the Sauna. He tried to stand but his body ached. Sam had never felt such pain before. He was frozen again, this time his bones hurt.
Sam sat on the cold log, the breeze picked up. Sam was not able to move except for the shivering. He was cold, sore, tired and deflated. He felt tricked into this sweat. He was pissed. They left him out here. He is going to get sick and die and all they care about is being in that stupid sauna.
Sam could feel the cold disappearing again under the fire of his anger.
“Fuck you!” He whispered in the direction of the Sauna.
“Fuck you all!”
Sam stood up. His pain was nothing compared to his anger. Sitting on that log, all alone with no clothes and half dead. Who does that?
Sam was pacing around the fire. He was doing everything he could to get control over his anger. His head spun. One voice screamed for him to go into the sauna and yell at everyone there for neglecting him. Another voice whispered calm words of peace and love.
Sam did all he could to feed the peaceful voice, but it grew weaker and weaker by the minute. He was furious. How could people of compassion have anything to do with this? Were they testing him? He did not need tests. He needed love and understanding. He needed to be helped.
Sam was absolutely freezing now. The fire had died down to a slow glow and provided little warmth for the wet naked soul hovering close above it. Sam knew he had to get back into the sauna but he was so angry he could not assure himself he would stay calm.
Sam was more then ready to kick someone’s ass. He was ready to lay blame on every human within a hundred miles for his frigid predicament.
There was no choice left. He had to go back into the sauna. He knew it and knew that he had to behave. He was angry but he could deal with that later. Sam got the nerve and some semblance of calmness and headed to the sauna.
Time unraveled. Sam stood at the entrance. Sam left the door wide-open waiting for someone to scream. Wind blew harder. Sam stood still, not noticing his cold temperature, not noticing his underwear, not noticing anything but the fact that he was somehow alone.
Staring into the dark well of nothingness, Sam turned around quickly to make sure he was in the right building. He ran around the field looking for anyone. He went back to the sauna. Nothing was there.
No old men, no Sue, no Joe, no sauna. The cabin was empty except an old chair and some broken windows. There was no heat, no fire, nothing but his pants on the ground near the chair.
No space for understanding. Not enough pieces to put the puzzle together. Hours, weeks, years passed. Sam sat on the chair, pants in hand, unable to doing anything but cry, deep, old, hot tears. Bellowing out into the night, screaming in fear and pain.
11. Loving Yourself Ugly
Alone I travel fast, together we travel far. Alone, Sam was. A tired, sweating, cold, teary sad sack sat on the lonely chair in the empty room. No singing, no lights, no laughter.
Sam’s thoughts deepened. He started to think about where he was and what he was doing. He remembered being in the sauna, he remembered getting really hot and dizzy. He left the sauna, he remembered Sue and her water bottle…
Sam realized he still had Sues half filled water bottle. He was still in the field that Joe drove him to. The fire was still smoldering outside. Sam had not done any of that, there was clear evidence that he was not alone, but where was everyone?
It did not take Sam long to figure out that he must be hallucinating. The heat, the lack of water, maybe something they put in the drink or the stuff they poured on the hot rocks.
Sam was instantly worried that he was not safe. Was he dying? Did he die? Was this the next life? The transition holding space, the pattern of re-integration back into the universe? Was this the new beginning?
Sam was intrigued more then he was scared. Where was he? Where was he going? What is going on? Why was he still cold? If he was dead you think he could not feel the cold. What should he do next?
The chair was comfortable, the cabin was protected from the wind that had picked up a bit now and starting to lightly howl through the broken windows. The moon was bright outside leaving shadows on the ground of the nearby forest.
Sam found himself quiet. Cold, but quiet. He could hear the wind, the trees moving, the leaves rustling. Sam could feel the cold air, the light wind, the hard chair under him.
Sam could smell and taste the night’s magic. His senses were sharp. Sharper than they have ever been. He was realizing that he could smell the raspberry bushes on the other side of the field. He could make out the shadows from the moonlight that the blades of grass displayed.
Sam took it all in. It was so peaceful, so simple, so beautiful. He felt no worry about where he was, how he was to get home or where everyone went to. He felt no concern about dying, hallucinating or anything about that other life.
A deep release passed over Sam. He was surrendering to the experience. He was letting go. He was in the moment. He was breathing. Deep inner breath…. hold…. Deep slow outer breath… hold…
Sam got up from the chair, stood straight and tall, stretched his hands above his head. Sam stood on his tippy toes, trying to reach the sky. With all of Sam’s might he could barely touch the cabins ceiling.
He then bent over, straight legs, stretched till he could touch the ground. He held this pose, released his back to dangle his upper body over his feet, over the ground. Floating there, blood slowly moving to his head.
Sam straightened up, walked towards the door.
There was a noise in the distance that Sam did not recognize. He was curious. What was that noise? It was really far away. He strained his ears, he cupped his hands to the side of his head to hear better. What was that?
It sounded like a giggle, or a laugh of some sort, but much lower, much deeper. There was something unpleasant about this sound. Sam could hear it getting closer. He was nervous.
The wind picked up a little more, the trees swayed, the clouds started to cover the stars. The moon was loosing its light ever so slightly. Sam could feel a storm entering this place.
He quickly closed the door, went back inside and sat on the chair. Sam tried to wake himself up from the hallucination. He wanted to not be dead now. He wanted Sue and Joe and the other folks. Sam wanted to be in control again. He could be safe from this storm if he had a car, or a house, maybe some clothes, he was hungry as well.
Sam listed out all the things he needed right now. He needed his phone, he could call someone, or a blanket to surround himself in. All he had was his pants, his underwear and this cabin.
As the wind turned into a stretch of long gusts, Sam grew more and more scared. He had forgotten about the laughing noise, until it was right on top of him. He was startled by the closeness of the laughter.
“Who is there?” Sam yelled into the night.
The wind blew, the laughter kept coming
“Who is there?” Sam raised his voice to a very loud yell.
The wind grew, the laughter too.
“Who’s there? Who’s there?” Sam was screaming now
Everything stopped.
12. The Laughing Within
Sam was standing in the field now. He had spent a long time in the cabin trying to figure out what happened to the wind, the laughter, the clouds, the cold. It was warm. The storm had brought warmth. The night was almost humid and quite comfortable.
Sam look around, the field was well lit, the fire was roaring now. Sam went to the fireside and sat on the ground. What just happened? Where was he? He could feel a calmness entering him again. He lost track of time, felt the warm fire on his face.
Sam sat there for quite some time. He was almost asleep, which is why he did not see the figure that floated over the field. Well not floated, more like danced, walked lightly, moved softly. The figure did not seem to use any effort to walk. It just floated.
Sam caught a little vision of the figure out of the corner of his sight. He saw the movement but it took a while for his mind to register that there was someone else there. Now the figure was standing around the fire, opposite to Sam.
Sam pushed himself up. He could not believe that someone had snuck up on him like that. He was not scared but a little nervous.
“Oh, hello there” Sam offered politely
The figure stood there, not moving, no sign of it noticing Sam.
“Hello there” Sam was a little forceful this time, trying to catch the figure’s attention.
Sam stood up and looked right at the figure. He could barely make out a long black cloak, and a head of some sort. He moved closer, closer, closer still. He was right next to the figure when he jumped back, fell to the ground and started to run the other way.
Sam was half way across the field when he saw the figure or another one coming towards him. He turned around and started running away but the figure was in front of him again.
“Look at me!” the figure seemed to speak as if he had a loud speaker. It filled the field with noise.
“Look at me!” It bellowed again.
Sam was on the ground, fallen and not knowing where to go. The wind picked up, the cold returned. Sam was breathing heavily. Had he just seen what he’d seen? He looked right into the eyes of a bird. Not a mask, not a trick, a bird on the body of a man. He stared into the soul of the some unknown creature.
“Look at me!” The voice was very close. Sam looked up and saw the figure above him, a few feet away. He got up brushed himself clean, pulled his pants up, stood tall and looked at the creature.
Sam found the courage to face this being. He realized that if this is a hallucination then all he had to do was wait it out. It could not hurt him. It could not force him to do anything. He could stand tall and wait this thing out.
“I see you” Sam yelled at the creature.
“I see your fucking ugly face!” Sam spat at the creature. He was pissed that this thing was chasing him. He was not afraid, this creature had no power in his hallucination. It was trying to scare Sam but he would have none of that.
The creature was in Sams personal space. It was large and quick and more then Sam could handle.
“Look at me” The creature floated close, now no more then 2 feet from Sams face.
Sam looked in the eyes of the creature. Sam looked with force.
“I see you, you fucking ugly shit!”
“You can not hurt me!”
Sam forced and laugh out, hoping to scare the creature away.
“You’re ugly. You’re mean. You’re not wanted here” Sam was getting aggressive. He felt as if he could beat this creature. That this creature came to fight and Sam was going to fight first. Strongest defense is a great first attack.
“LOOK AT ME!” The sound echoed a few times. The volume of the voice made Sam take a step back.
“I am looking at you, you fucking idiot! Can’t you see with those yellow eyes? Maybe your brain is too small. Get out of my dream.” Sam was almost foaming at the mouth.
“Please look at me.” The creature asked nicely, with assertiveness in its voice.
Sam felt something change. He could see a little more of the creature. He could see more of the field. The sun was rising behind the creature. Sam could not see it with the light blurring his vision. Sam put his hands above his eyes to block the light. He saw something. He looked deeper, took a step forward. The creature was not the same. He peered into its eyes.
The universe unraveled. Sam felt the bubbling rage of his stomach. Sam felt himself falling. Sam left the earth, spun around and landed, dizzy, unable to breath.
“You see me?” The creature asked.
“Yes, Yes I do” Sam was in tears. He was on his knees. He was sobbing,
Sam felt a soft hand on his shoulder. He felt a deep, soft, comforting arm wrap around him. Sam cried louder still, and deeper. Deeper then he ever managed. He lost his breath, bellowed powerfully. Sam fell into the arms of the creature, the monster, the evildoer.
Sam was transmuting his fear into tears.
The rising sun had cleared Sam’s eyes and shown him the beautiful dark creature that lay beneath. When Sam realized the entire face had changed. He saw himself, he saw a vulnerable, weak and tired version of himself.
“I am sorry.” is all Sam could muster.
“I know Sam, I know.” The self repeated calmly. “I know you are”
The sun had risen over the field. The two bodies lay on the ground, one holding the other. The warmth of the morning stirred, the birds sang loud, the fresh floral fall air cleared the remainder of any wind.
________________________________________________________________________
13. Hello Sam
The creature and Sam sat across from each other starring into the raging fire.
“What now?” Sam asked
“Not sure, hoping you would know” The creature answered
“So are we hallucinating?”
“I think so”
“Which one of us is real?”
“Not sure. I think I am”
“Ha! I am the real one, you are the hallucination.” Sam threw a stick into the fire.
“Nice try trickster. I am not the one who showed up with a crow’s head” The creature poked the fire with a long branch.
“That was you”
“No, that was you”
They stared at each other. Each looking a little angry and a little confused.
“Seems like we have a bit of a problem.”
“Appears so. One of us is lying.”
“Or neither of us are. If we are hallucinating, then maybe this is part of it.”
“What do we do now?”
“We keep talking. There’s some reason we’re both here”
“Ok, so lets start with what makes each of us unique.”
“Good idea.”
“Start from what you know. Why are you here?”
“I was dragged here by Joe, to the sweat or sauna or whatever it is. I agreed to it a few weeks ago. You?”
“I am here to travel to the heart of truth.”
“Oh ya, the intention, I am here for that to”
There was a slight shift in light, as if the sun got brighter. Both Sam and the creature shifted in their spots.
“So how do you think you can become a Guru?”
“What kind of question is that? I am no Guru, nor do I ever wish to be, what a unpleasant life. Do you want to become a Guru?”
“Well I have been called to be a Guru, by the universe, maybe you missed that in your world.”
“Listen boy. Guru’s are never what they seem. They are the most damaged of the people, searching for answers in others, afraid to, well, to do anything on their own. They need followers to make themselves feel valued. They are not real, they are not healthy. Gurus, yogis, spiritual leaders are crying for help.”
“No way! They help people, advise in spiritual matters. They are integral to the growth of humanity and humanities future. They are the path blazers, the bridge builders, the love makers. They are brave and go against cultural norms. They stand for the change needed in our world.”
“Keep telling yourself that. Anyone can make love, build bridges, heal themselves. It is not a selected person or peoples who get called for special duty. Everyone is a Guru, a Shaman, a Healer. Everyone!”
“Sure but someone has to teach and lead. Blaze paths. Answer questions.”
The conversation moved fast. The fire grew strong and bright. The sun was almost hot. The morning dew shown on the spider webs revealing their complex weavings. It was tough to tell where one web started and the other ended.
“No, not someone, everyone. Everyone has to teach and lead. More clearly you or we. It is a selfish act to be a guru. Who are you serving? Can you be certain you are not influencing others with your own issues and insecurities? Can you ever be certain that the advice you are giving is not tainted by your misunderstanding, your ego or your own fears? No way! I do not want to lead. We must work together, everyone leading, everyone following. Together!”
“Ok so who does one ask for advice if you’re stuck?”
“Ask me. I mean ask yourself. Everyone has all the love, support, answers, and understanding the need within themselves. They do not need others to give them advice. They might need others to hold loving space.”
“Why do we not then live in chaos? Only caring for ourselves then? Kill my neighbor, steal his food, it does not matter, I only care for myself”
“You presume that others are not you?”
“What?”
“Oh come on Sam. You know that you are not different from other people or other things. What you do to others you do to yourself. What you gift others you gift yourself. When you love others you love yourself. When you love yourself you love others”
“What about when someone hurts you? How is that about myself? I do not choose to hurt myself.”
“You sure? You have the choice to react to anything in any way you want. If someone does something that is meant to hurt you can choose to be hurt or you can choose to love them.”
“Like if someone punches me or steals my life’s savings, I thank them?”
“Yep. You can thank them for clearing your account, or forcing you to be in the moment with the pain from the punch. You can choose whatever you want. You are free to feel whatever you want.”
“Bull shit, now you are talking crazy.”
Everyone was on their feet now, close to each other, almost yelling. Fingers were pointing, gestures were getting louder, eyes were focusing with intensity.
“If someone hits me, it hurts, no matter how I shape it. I punch you and it hurts.”
“Or it wakes me up. Or it makes me cry. Or it forces me to change and listen. Or it opens me up. Or it helps me feel my inner pain. Or it helps me feel something.”
“I’m not talking to you anymore, you’re crazy”
“Am I? Are you so sure? Or am I actually making sense?”
“Nope you are crazy. A crazy hallucination. I agree that we need to love ourselves but we cannot accept violence without defending ourselves. Teachers are needed to lead. Leaders are needed. You give away your power to others in the name of self love.”
“No I give nothing away. I choose my power by choosing my reactions. It is not my inner child, nor my inner emotional self that dictates my reactions. It is my heart in the present moment. What is the choice of love?”
“You’re crazy”
“And you’re egotistical.”
There was nothing more to say. The two parties had made their cases. In one corner there was the bellowing of cause and obvious reaction. “you hit me, it hurts”
In the other corner there was choice “ you hit me and I choose to feel pain and react to it as I choose.”
The fire crackled. Both Sams stared into the fire, not bothering to look at each other. There was a deep chasm created. There was a choice to be made. How to move forward? Who was right? What to believe? The sun got dimmer, slightly colder.
“Look man, I was clearly called by the universe to go out and share my inner peace. That is what I am going to do. If that means I become a Guru or Shaman, then that is what I become. I will honour my calling.”
“Interesting. I was called to find inner peace, cause I did not really have it. What I had was inner complacency.”
“Too bad for you. If you want I can teach you some tools to find inner peace.”
“Wow! You really don’t get it. We are the same person Sam. I too was given a message from the universe, a calling. I chose not to see it as go out and become a Guru. I heard it as I needed to go deeper in my practice.”
“Deeper how?”
“By letting myself be loved. By being honest and true and sharing. I share not to be a teacher or a Guru but to strengthen my community, my family, myself. The message I got was telling me to release the fears of being loved. To release the fears of whatever was keeping me from being apart of something bigger then myself. It was the opposite of being a Guru. It was letting the Guru within die.”
“Wholly shit. You’re right. All this time I was trying to change others. I never thought to change myself.”
“And that is the truth you seek. The truth we seek.”
“I agree. It is time to let the Guru within die.”
“It is time for us to be united. No more fighting, no more inner struggles. Alone I travel fast. Together we travel far. It is time we work together. One face, on voice, one person.”
“I am scared.”
“We are scared, but we are ready.”
The Sams stood naked by the fireside, with their clothes in their hand.
“Its time to be naked for a while.”
The sun set further, the fire was the light that now shown brightest.
“I love you Sam”
They jumped in to the hot flames together
.
14 Look and see
Sam awoke to the gentle sound of a slow beating hand drum. He could feel the sweat pouring off his face. He looked up to see Joe and Sue sitting on the other side of the sauna.
Sue was drumming and started to sing a traditional song. Sam did not know it or understand the words but he felt the chills of recognition come from deep within him. He was light, sore and thirsty.
Beside Sam was a bottle of water and a towel. He took both. The sauna was not as hot as when it started. Someone had turned on a light. Sam took a deep breath. He was feeling a little woozy, a little misplaced. He felt as if he had just be born in to a new body.
Sue reached for something beside her. She lit some sage and passed it to Joe. Joe grabbed a large hawk feather that had been sitting beside him and fanned the sacred smoke around approaching Sam. Sam felt the smoke hit his face.
“Nice to see you my friend” Sue whispered to Sam.
Sam looked up at Sue. He was stunned. He had spent most of his life running from himself. He had spent most of his life pretending he was whole. He denied himself so much peace and wisdom because he was afraid to love and be loved.
“I love you Sue” Sam whispered back.
Sue got up from her seat, moved towards Sam and looked him in the eyes. She put her hand on Sam cheek and wiped away the sweat and tears. Sam fell into her arms and cried one more time. A gentle cry, only a few tears.
“Welcome back” Joe whispered to Sam. Joe tapped Sam on the shoulders “Good work my friend. Good work.”
Joe got up and left the sauna. Sue sat beside Sam. “Are you OK?”
“Ya I think so.” Sam put the towel around himself and took another sip of water. “What was that? What happened?”
“Not sure. You came in here and started to chant. Some chant we have never heard. Then you yelled and then you seemed to have a conversation with yourself.”
“Oh, you heard that”
“Joe and I held space for you. We drummed and made sure the sauna did not get too hot. We did not know what to do.”
“Where did the old men go?”
“What old men?”
“There were three old men here before, they set the intention remember?”
“It was only You, Joe and myself here. No on else”
“Oh boy” Sam was a little overwhelmed.
“Listen, you have obviously gone on a vision. You need to take it easy for a while. Go home and rest. Drink lots of water. Call me when you are ready to talk. Joe will take you home.”
Sam got up from his seat and started to move towards the door. He looked at the Sauna and took another sip of water.
“Sue?”
“Yes Sam”
“Can I stay with you for a while? I don’t want to be alone”
“Of course Sam. Stay as long as you need, I have room for you.”
“And I have room for you.”
Sam looked at Sue again, his heart warmed. His soul fluttered. He knew that he and Sue had a great journey in front of them. He was not scared or worried, he was not nervous. He was united.
Sam was ready to love and be loved. He was ready to plunge into the world of trusting another human. He as ready to go wherever his heart took him. He had no aspirations of being a guru or a teacher, he just wanted to be part of something bigger then himself.
When we run from our fears we run from ourselves. Both go wherever we go. Run from one run from the other. When we face our deepest fears we free ourselves to love fully. We allow ourselves to find unity.
THE BOOK OF SAM
By: Kevin Alexander