Why get married?
We knew it wasn’t about doing what was socially expected to do after having been in a relationship for a while. We knew it wasn’t about the legal benefits of marriage. What we did know is that we had a deep heart longing to get married, and we trusted that our heads would come to understand why along the way.
Kevin: “I was excited from day one. The second we decided we were getting married I had butterflies in my stomach, I was ecstatic. I Love you Gwen and I look forward to the many deep layers of love you help me explore with your truth, your mirror and your wonderful soul.”
Gwen: “He had been asking me to marry him since the very beginning of our relationship, when we were still in the phone calling stage. I said yes to him most of the time, joked with him no other times, then threatened him not to ask it again unless he was serious. But he was serious, and very playful about it. A year and a half into our romantic relationship we really started talking about it, picturing, dreaming it, talking about ideas, letting our curiosity taste the pieces.”
And then we seized it, setting the date for November 2nd, 2013. A date which also honoured the anniversary of Gwen’s fathers death.
Keep it Simple and from the Heart; we knew this was our guideline. Planning a wedding in 5 weeks helped us ensure we kept it that way.
5 Week Count Down
One of our first thoughts was to elope. That idea changed when we started to understand the importance of having all our family there. We quickly learned that this wedding was about much more than just the two of us.
Did we want a huge wedding? Sure, until we really starting thinking about the planning that would entail, which started to create stress and scare us, and fear was something we did not want to feed.
By our fireplace at night, we journeyed together to ask our hearts for guiding information about our wedding. Journeying is a shamanic tool we both cultivated in a Two Year Program of Advanced Shamanism at the Canadian Centre for Shamanic Studies; where our life paths first intersected. Journeying is the act of turning to our teacher within to find the answers we are seeking, to listen to the wisdom of our own heart.
Clarity came in our desire of creating a Circle Wedding. The circle was the foundation of our shamanic community. In circle we had shared some of our most intimate truths, we had witnessed each other cry, laugh, sing, drum, share, release, heal, and grow.
The immensity of what we were moving towards became clear. We heard the spirit whispers of, “Bring your inner masculine and feminine parts into unity” and “This is a healing for the families”.
Dreams
Gwen: “My father’s spirit visited me in dreamtime. Walking around his old condominium, I looked down to see that I was holding a bouquet of goose feathers. I heard my father’s answering machine go off, it was my father’s voice, almost like he was singing, “Gwen, Gwennnnn, I’m going home.” I awoke and felt a huge light burst in my chest and a huge relief, I cried.”
“Later that morning I journeyed to speak more with him, to ask him for some clarity. He brought me to Father Sun, where upon getting so microscopically close to it I could see that the light of the sun was a result of many ancestral spirits gathered in circle, helping to light the way forward for us and all ascendants, feeding us with warmth. “
“Daddio explained when we gather on Mother Earth in circle, together our starlight becomes a sun for our ancestors, lighting their paths, guiding, warming. All is an equal exchange.”
“On another night I asked my spirit helpers to bring me insights about the wedding in dreamtime. Immediately upon waking I heard the very clear words, “I have to say my vows from the heart”. I told Kevin at breakfast so that I wouldn’t chicken out of telling him about it later. He spoke from his heart all the time, it was what he was teaching me how to do, so of course, this was how it had to be. My tendency had been to lean on the comfort of being able to organize, as best as I can, for any public speaking. This time I committed to trusting in Kevin to hold me safe as I moved through my nerves and fears, trusting myself and my ability to speak my vows from my heart.”
“Kevin had taught me to gather the gems of my life in my heart, and to keep them polished with my present remembering of them. This could be done by my own inner storytelling of them, or sharing them out loud with others. In keeping the stories of what I loved, what I was grateful for, fresh in my knowing, I was preparing myself to speak from my heart whenever the opportunity presented itself. “
Trust
As we started to share our wedding dream we realized that our loved ones had never witnessed our personal spiritual practice in action or heard us speak in such honest depth from our hearts. It felt like a ‘coming out’ party, a revealing all of the authentic parts of ourselves that we had reclaimed. All these years, focussed on our personal healing and growth, filling up on love of self, had been preparing us for this very moment in time.
Gwen: “It was around then that the panic attacks began, like little waves of vertigo. I was being tested in the depth of my trust in universal support. How would all this magically come together? We had committed to getting through something that was revealing itself to be a vulnerable and powerful experience.”
3 Weeks Left
We talked about our wedding insights every night, sharing dreams, journeys, fears and excitement. More pieces started to come easily, flowing out from our opened hearts. They started to weave together to form a big picture. Doing every step with simplicity and trust in the universe was our commitment, and we took it very seriously.
We gave ourselves only one weekend in Toronto to find a wedding venue, book a restaurant, and find Gwen a wedding dress. Our heads thought this to be impossible, but any panic or pressure that arose we redirected into our trust.
How simple could we keep it so that we could fully enjoy this journey of planning a wedding?
Kevin “I remember thinking it would be easy to find my own wedding attire. After all, we easily booked the first venue we looked at, reserved our restaurant within minutes, and Gwen bought the second wedding dress she tried on. I wanted a nice vest with a crisp white shirt and black pants. Nothing that I thought would be tough to find. I went into dozens of stores in Toronto, apparently vests were not in fashion, and whatever I did find was not the right size.”
“I felt incredibly frustrated and had almost given up, until I spoke with my sister, Tamara. She invited me to come look with her in our hometown of Oshawa. I didn’t realize at the time, but this was just how my heart needed this to happen. I was finding it tough to plan the wedding without my mother. She had passed away when we were younger and I was wishing she was physically there to help me find my wedding suit and witness this event in my life. Returning to the place I was born, with my big sister was a huge healing for me. We found my suit in the mall we had often shopped as a family. All the stress of shopping on my own washed away after ten minutes with my sister.”
Commitment To Learn
Many people had questions of what we were choosing to do, needing further clarity and understanding of our choices. Some felt nervous about having to speak in front of others, of sitting in circle, fear of the unknown and doing things differently. This would not be a wedding to sit back and watch. No walking down an isle, no speeches, no first dance, no party reception, and no drinking our nerves or discomfort away.
It was challenging at times to receive people’s opinions of what we were choosing to do. Fortunately, we had our mirroring and deep listening tools to process our emotional triggers so we could be accountable for our reactions and the wedding story we were writing.
In committing to a circle wedding, we vowed to find the light and opportunity for learning in every piece shared from every circle member. The opportunity of any fears being projected our way encouraged us to become deeply clear on what we wanted and why, our intending behind everything.
Those spirit whispers about this being ‘a healing for the families’ also kept us connected to the bigger picture perspective of what was unfolding. Everyone was walking their own healing path and moving through their own growth in preparation for this circle wedding. These challenges affirmed just how important it was we were doing what we were doing.
The Night Before
Kevin: “The night before the wedding a shave was booked for the men, my brother, my father, my almost step-father. This was my bachelor celebration.”
“After the shave we went to a Scottish pub for some haggis and very fine scotch. We ate just enough and shared the scotch we ordered, as they where all unique and well appreciated. We played a game of pool and I was back in my hotel room before midnight…good thing.”
Gwen: “I was back at the hotel, after having a hotel dinner with my mum, sister and daughter. Luna was complaining of tooth pain, and my sister assured me that my dizzy spells were panic attacks. But wait, I am not a panicked person! I am relaxed and grounded! Hearing those words “panic attack” almost triggered me into a panic attack right there at the dinner table, but I held it together, by a thread.”
“My appetite was iffy, and the sight of wine also triggered me. Praying, journeying or concentrating on anything too heavily lead me to a loss of my breath, a rapid heart beat, and a swirling in my head like I could possibly faint. I didn’t want to admit that my sister was right, that truth felt too big.”
“After returning to my hotel room, I curled up in bed with a funny movie and cried. I released all the panic I had of not being able to go through with this. I couldn’t even pray, and that scared me the most. All I could muster out was, “I just need a miracle.”
“I wanted to reach out to Kevin, but I held back because he was out on his bachelor festivities, and because I knew he wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to come back to support me. I thought I could hold off until he got back. But then it became too late and I reached out to him with a text, “Babe…” was my cry for help.”
Kevin: “When I got back to the room I met my fiancée who was barely able to open her eyes. She was in obvious distress. Was she pregnant? Was she sick? No, she was doing what she has done many times before, embodying the collective energy of the event. All the worries from everyone coming, all the panic, all the excitement, she was channeling through herself and it was throwing her for a loop. So I sat with her, held her feet and prayed. I called in my ancestors, especially my great grandmother, the healer, to come and hold space with me as we witnessed Gwen’s transformation and power.”
“I reassured her that if she wasn’t feeling well the next day we didn’t have to get married. Or, if we wanted we could just get married in the hotel bed. I held her until she fell asleep. I kept waking up throughout the night to check on Gwen, making sure she was sleeping. I did not need a good nights sleep; all I had to do was tell the truth tomorrow. We awoke feeling like we had just enough asleep that night and just enough energy for the event at hand.“
The Day
Kevin: “It was a relatively warm day and there was no rain, no snow and a great deal of excitement. I left the hotel room early to find my father and go for a cup of coffee. I was nervous and a little edgy but I knew what I had to do to get ready and knew that I had just enough time and energy to get it done. My father and I talked about my ex and how I had come to find peace and healing with her. I explained that it was my response ability to let go of all and any anger I had in connection to my past relationship to make room for this sacred day.”
“I got dressed in my fathers hotel room. I really thought I was doing well until my step-mother decided that I needed some food. I thought I was not hungry at all. She did not listen and ordered a bunch of appetizers. When they got there I ate like a pig, I was so hungry and did not realize it. I knew then that I needed to ground myself. I went to the ceremony room and began to set up the venue. A simple circle of chairs, an altar, a guitar and a few special pieces of honour. I then sat in the chair I would use for the ceremony, closed my eyes and took a deep breath.”
“So, I tended to my first task of heading to the hair salon. On my way there my body shuddered when I remembered a past incident when I had fainted in a salon from inhaling too many product fumes. Furthermore, when I entered the salon, the music playing was Young Galaxy, a concert I had attempted to go to before but didn’t make it through because I had, you guessed it, fainted. My fears were so close, I couldn’t help but smirk, laugh a little and shake my head. It was hard to look at my reflection in that big mirror, my eyes so swollen from crying. My hairdresser offered me some peaceful tea to sip on, which was reassuringly enjoyable. I made it through my first step of the day.”
“Next step, get my makeup done in my hotel room. That was also a calming experience with my high school friend and makeup artist, Gloria. We talked about love and grieving and all the in betweens, relaxing like how girl time can be.”
Kevin: “People started to arrive on time. They all looked a little uncertain, but open and inquisitive. There was a buzz of curiosity that seemed to bring perfect strangers together. Gwen’s mother was brilliant at introducing herself to my family and to anyone who she did not know."
Everyone had arrived, we awaited Gwen. She was running late, yet perfectly on time.”
Kevin: “I stopped the music, right at the song that Gwen and I first kissed, Halleluiah (Jeff Buckley version), got some water for my almost wife and sat in my seat. I looked out to the circle, 32 people starring back at me.”
Here We Go
We welcomed everyone. Our wedding altar sat between us, made up of a picture of Gwen’s father, Mitsuki, and a picture of Kevin’s mother, Carolyn, with a candle lit to honour all ancestors. It was also where our wedding rings sat in patience.
Sacred Container
Setting and holding sacred space, was another key teaching we experienced together in the program. When creating a circle we intend to create a container. What that container is filled with depends on us and the intention we set.
We explained that it was important for us to set our space with our prayers, all that we were grateful for. We invited others to pray along with us, or just listen. Like the writing of this story, we flowed together naturally, speaking from our hearts, knowing that we were both going to create our sacred wedding space with our prayers.
Present
It was an empowering opportunity to invite everyone to share their voice and to invite them to be fully seen and heard by a tribe. Sharing out loud helped us all be accountable for what we are thinking and dreaming into being. In this way we were emptying ourselves of any other distracting thoughts, emotions, or negative energies that were preventing us from being present. Everything had to be put down in order for us all to be present with Love.
Kevin: “We decided to start the sharing with the person to my left. I looked over and saw that it was my dear friend David. This made me smile as I knew a short few weeks earlier David had suffered a stroke and was barely able to speak or remember his name. He began with a very gentle and innocent sharing that brought smiles to many faces, we couldn’t have asked for a more present heart felt sharing to have kicked off the sharing circle.“
Heart Song
Then we sang.
Kevin – “It was a song that had followed us from the first night we met, when I was playing my guitar and she joined me in singing Lovers in a Dangerous Time by Bruce Cockburn. We had previously felt the song was about lovers during wartime, but through this wedding planning experience had come to understand it as lovers who are growing past the fearful feelings of war within into trust and acceptance. Just as we were doing.”
Ancestors
It was time to say our vows to our ancestors, our parents.
Gwen shared the dream of her father having come to her, through missing tears. Explaining why she had asked her friend and florist, Adam, to put goose feathers in her wedding bouquet.
Kevin spoke about his mother and what wisdom she passed on that lives on in him.
He invited his father and step-mother, Bob and Nancy, up next to offer them a sacred shaker as a token of his appreciation for all they have done for him and the raising of who he had become. The shaker was a symbol of the deep teaching of peace and love that they had practiced for him.
Checking in
Kevin: “In the midst of all the sharing, tears and heartbeats of the ones we love, I remember taking the time to reflect on how much I was in love with Gwen. I had never been filled with so much desire to experience a future with someone. I also had never smiled so deeply in my soul as I did when I looked at my soon to be wife.”
Gwen: “It was about this time that I called for a diva moment. I stopped everything so I could have Gloria give me a touch up. It felt like I had cried oceans, surely my mascara was everywhere.”
Ascendants
One of the major reasons we gathered with everyone was to include Luna in our ceremony. We called Luna to the center of the circle and each took turns saying our vows to her, what we were promising to her in our union.
Gwen had a family heirloom, a ring that she presented to Luna. Luna was shy at first but seemed to become more comfortable when she received the small ring.
It was a practice in sharing our vulnerability in front of our closest and toughest mirrors. This was the moment that we had seen in our dreams that scared us most of all. Speaking from the heart, pure and true.
Kevin’s Aunt Glo joined us as the judge official in the center of the circle.
We sealed it all with a kiss.
Pictures were taken afterward while we served some celebratory champagne, and chocolate covered strawberries.
Giving and Receiving
Just before leaving for our wedding dinner, those who remained gathered by the Giveaway blanket.
To participate in the giveaway blanket, we asked everyone to bring an item that connected them to love, from their heart, that they are willing to gift to someone. After everyone had placed their items on the blanket, we went with the tradition of inviting the respected elder of the group to chose the first item. This was Michael, Gwen (and now Kevin’s) step-father. He chose a framed bluejay wing and feathers. It was Gwen that had created this bluejay piece, and she explained that the bluejay connected to love for her as it was the first power animal that was retrieved for her and how it will always hold a special place in her heart. Gwen then took her turn to pick an item on the blanket and find out who it was from and receive its story and how it was connected to love. This continued until all items on the blanket had found new homes.
Japanese food was prepared in front of us by a Jamaican chef who sang Bob Marley songs while drawing hearts on the burner with his bottles of salt and sauces.
Gwen: “I wasn’t really hungry, but that didn’t matter too much because of my joyous relief of all nerves! It was just what I had asked for, a miracle. Bucking up just in time for Kevin to start crashing, feeling feverish and slightly nauseous. I assured him that this time I’d hold space for him, and he could let go of all he had been holding for me.”
The night was almost over. We hugged and kissed those who needed to get on their way and headed back to our hotel to call it a night, except that we didn’t.
Some family and friends that decided to stay a little longer met us in the hotel bar for a nightcap or two. The bartender concocted us a special wedding martini. The laughter provided support for our soft landing with those we love.
With slight smiles at the corners of our mouths, we fell asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillows. Something held everyone together that day, something much bigger than all of us.
A week after our wedding, we gathered at our home for a “Celebration of Love”. It was an open invitation to all other friends and CCSS collective members who wanted to come together in the name of love and unity, to share in potluck, in music, and in a giveaway blanket. Overflowing love and support surrounded us and filled our home and hearts. Magical moments like this, all the connections we make and nourish, we know are the true treasures of life we will cary with us always.
We took the big leap and deep plunge. In trusting ourselves, in our vision, in our community, and in Spirit, all opened their hearts and came together in love and unity. And for that, we are forever grateful, far beyond death do us physically part.
Why Get Married?
Kevin: “Marriage was never something I thought I wanted. It was never in my dreams or plans. I never thought of marriage till I met Gwen. Once I let myself feel my fullest feelings towards Gwen I knew that I had to marry her. Celebrate our love, honour our ancestors, and build a future for our ascendants. I wanted to stand tall and in front of all my favourite people in the world and share my heart’s song. I chose to ask Gwen to marry me because I am so deeply in love with her that I want to experience everything with her.”
Gwen: “I wasn’t a girl that grew up dreaming about my wedding day, but what was always on my dream list. Ever since I started to explore romantic partnerships, I had a dream to unite with my soulmate. Beyond my head’s understanding of what this meant, it was a deep feeling within my heart and soul’s yearning. A guiding undercurrent, I now recognize, that shaped every decision and stepping stone I have taken in my life's journey.
As I held my living dream with love and faith, it held me with love and faith in return, allowing me to grow through every experience with a deepened clarity of what exactly I was dreaming into being. In the last years before I met Kevin, I remember weaving the dream threads of finding a mate who is committed to choosing life, who claims their truth, who is accountable, and who utilizes their hearts wisdom, healing tools and empowered self to communicate and learn from the lightest and darkest circumstances. It was no coincidence that once I embodied these qualities within my relationship of self, I looked up to see the recognized eyes of my soul mate, Kevin. All along, my dream of uniting with a soulmate without was reflecting back my yearning, need and ability to unite with my soulmate within.
Getting married offered a ceremonial rite of passage to honour all unity within and without. It was a precious moment everyone there co-created to come together, to rise above all the busyness and other distractions, and remember the transformational miracle of Love. As though it is written in the stars with some kind of cosmic law, our faith and commitment to love brings us to unite as part of our living purpose.
Afterword
This past year we have been pulling together the connecting pieces of our story, moving through the deeper layers of growth as we reflected on our amazing and blessed journey. This sharing of our circle wedding story is our ‘anniversary’ gift to each other, to our family, to our friends, to our collective circle, and beyond. We honour the love and unity within you all. Thank you!
Love, Gwevin Alexawa
Invitational Home Practice
Take a walk outside, or find a place in nature to sit and be with yourself. Connect with your heart and ask:
- In what areas of my life do I feel disconnected from? (i.e. your career, your friends, your family....)
- How are these areas reflecting a yearning and need to unify within me?
- What thoughts, dreams and actions help me feel unified within?
We invite you to connect and share your insights with us and others here in the comment section.